Psalms 45 – Just a Few Things

Months and months ago I wrote a series based on the list I had created years ago called What I look for.  This all started from a few of my friends saying I needed to make my list.  I needed to know in my mind, heart, and print what I was looking for in the man I wanted to partner with in this life.  I even found a section in one of my favorite books that provided a list of things that should be asked when determining if someone is a Person of Character.  I even put it on my blog as a separate page to remind myself from time to time.

Well just as I had completed that series a blast from my past arrived on my door step.  Well maybe not my door step but my Facebook page, and these days that might as well be your front door.  After a series of conversations, dates, non-dates, community dinners, friend introductions, and the like; we have decided that a relationship between the two of us would be a bad thing (we being me).  Bad meaning unhealthy, dysfunctional, co-dependent, draining, chaos causing, and frustrating (is there anything else that would make something bad?) But I am getting distracted from the real topic, which is that I think I found a few more things to add to my list.

This psalm is referred to as a wedding song, so what better way to identify those things I WANT in my future partner than here.  Now I promise not to rewrite the entire chapter, since I realize that would be redundant and most importantly impractical or improbable. But since I get to decide what I want, and what I will pray for and what I am hoping for out of this chapter, then that is what I am going to WRITE.  SO THERE.  I don’t sound a little defensive do I? But in all seriousness allow me a few moments to share a heart felt inspiration as a piece of scripture is inspiring me to draw a connection to my life in this season. 

My heart is stirred
     You are the most excellent of men and your lips have been anointed with grace, since God has blessed you forever.
          Gird your sword on your side, you mighty one; clothe yourself with splendor and majesty. 
               In your majesty ride forth in the cause of truth, humility and justice, let your right hand achieve awesome deeds. 
                    Your throne, O god, will last forever and ever; a scepter of justice will be the scepter of your kingdom.
                         You love righteousness and hate wickedness; therefore God, your God, 
                               has set you above your companions by anointing you with the oil of joy.                          

With grand expectation and hopeful want, I desire a man who will have lips that use words laced with grace and not criticism.  That God’s heart for my well-being and growth would be communicated from him as gracious items of life and not destructive points leaving me bruised and wounded at the mere mention of the words.  Not that truth wouldn’t be spoken, but that he would know that fine art of speaking truth in love to me. 

Although I do not require my man to be a card-carrying member of the sword wielding guild, he must have the confidence that builds him to a place of being the mighty one in his life.  That he know who he is in God and that he knows where he is going.  He is confident in his mind and heart to carry the sword of the spirit and the shield of faith in this crazy world of church, friends, family, and work. (Kind of a compliment to my favorite artist’s picture on my blog.)

That his values run deeper than this is what my parents taught me.  That his life philosophy includes fighting for the cause of truth, humility, and justice.  The world may not be fair and there will be injustices that will be done in front of us and to us; but that does not negate the need to do life towards those goals.  Just as there is a balance between truth and grace there is a balance between confident mighty strength and honest genuine humility; and in these I want him to know the difference and strive to achieve this. 

In the deepest core of my soul lies the belief that it is important to be fair and just in my decisions and actions.  Even if this means someone gets a benefit over me.  So reading this scripture that speaks to the scepter of justice ruling over his kingdom, really resonates with what I believe to be one of my most important life decisions.  So he must also value truth and justice above all else.  (and the American way?)  Funny how certain things end up programmed in the back of one’s mind. 

Finally, the anointing you with the oil of joy, has become so important in my life I cannot imagine living in a partnership without it.  I did not move into adulthood a happy or joyful person.  Too much tragedy, complaining, and hurt had not allowed me to embrace those things.  But as healing, acceptance, friendship, and grace has found its way into my life I began to realize that joy is an important part of everyday.  It doesn’t always FEEL that way, and I may not always express it or live in it, but it is a choice at those times for me to still allow God’s joy to change my perspective and attitude.  So he must also have that same desire to look for the joy, seek out the good, and make the best of any given situation. 

After all, I am typing this in the midst of a rainy Oregon day while camping, in a tent, by herself; if a girl can find the good in that part, well then he is definitely SHOULD be able to as well.

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The List – All that Being Said

Here I am in the midst of a new group with lots of singles and I am finding myself being BOY CRAZY AGAIN!!!

The mental massage reminded me that just because there are options doesn’t mean its the right time or that I AM READY.  So now here I am with a wanting to date, feeling that God should bring this along NOW!  I mean after all I’ve waited so long , it must be time BY NOW!!!!!

Then Tesha reminded me that I am impatient, like ALWAYS!  I get something in my mind and I want to DO IT, HAVE IT, MAKE IT NOW!!! So I was sitting in church Sunday and through the singing I began to see Jesus alive and real again my mind’s eye.  So with Christ as my companion and true comforter of my soul and FEEELINGS; How do I treat all these new men in my life as just my brothers?  How do I look at them as friends and just trust that God will make clear to me the steps I am to take and the depth of relationship I am supposed to have?  How do I balance the openness to dates, but not being consumed with the want to have something, someone going on all the time?

I mean I know how to be just friends, I know how to not interact in a liking/dating manner; that has been EASY for me for YEARS and YEARS. 

Why now is it so different?  Because I want more and of course I want more NOW!!! Anyone noticing the theme in my capitals today?  I mean I can’t seem to use the word NOW without putting it in capitals these days. 

Yet I must remind myself almost daily that I am not ready.  There are still a few MASSIVE areas of unhealth I have not gained control over; and regardless of the chronological number on my age today (38 just for the record), I need to exhibit and practice the same amount of patience I needed to use back when I was 23 – the year I could have SWORN I was supposed to get married (silly favorite number).  This patience virtue isn’t all it’s cracked up to be and besides, just when one thinks they have it in practice and in control in one area of life… IT sneaks up to SURPRISE you in another area.  DRAT!!!

I made a commitment years and years ago to attempt to go an entire year without thinking about boys and dating and possibilities and the like; yes I failed miserably.  But it was a mental and soul-focused battle at every turn and I NEVER gave up TRYING to remove this from my thought life.  I have been considering taking up this challenge again.  Some where in my thoughts about God’s changes in my life so far,  I see 1 year to finish this current work (could be wrong, but some how 1 year seems on target); so if I partner this mental focus like I did years ago – it could help me develop that patience I have been so desperately looking for. 

With or without the thought life component, I know I need to not be searching out a date around every corner.  I need to not try to make something happen with new guys in my life.  I need to not make a determination about whether a guy is in the friend zone or not; but just to get to know them as brothers and that is it.  Let that be the most important thing. 

Because if I look back to some of my most exciting times in life, it was when I was part of the college age/singles group surrounded by dozens of people who cared about me.  And in those times I had the best relationships with the guys in the group – not because I dated ANY of them – but because we were like family; and they were my brothers. 

I need to remember this and build that in my mind this time as well.  Besides I love surprises ANYWAY.  The only way to be surprised is to not see something coming, right?

  • He should be able to surprise me with phone calls, cards, LITTLE some things, flowers, words of love, encouragement, or praise, kisses, hugs when I least expect them just to show he cares and is thinking about me. 

The List – In Case of Emergency…

I saw a movie the other day 2012, just as I’ve seen other movies dozens of times before.  I don’t get nightmares and I don’t live in fear and I almost never think about the possible reality of it.  But some how in its visual effects a simple yet impacting question came to mind almost weeks after the fact. 

I was driving home on the typical Sunnyside Straight away when I was stopped at a traffic light.  And in that moment that my car and mind were idling, I imagined the ground just opened up in front of me.  You know, the kind that is seen in almost any end of the world movie, when the world is ending and earthquakes are tearing the landscape apart and revealing GIANT gaping holes down into molten lava at a tectonic level?  Okay did I mention I REALLY like the visuals in 2012. 🙂

As I was sitting at the traffic light waiting for it to turn green, I imagined this earth tearing event, taking place on this street in front of me.  And my intellectual always wondering mind asked: “So would you do if the earth just opened up before you?  What if this movie became a real life situation you had to deal with?  Would you be one of those people to survive this CRISIS of catastrophic proportions or would I be one of the dying peoples?”  OH YEAH I would definitely be one of the dying peoples but after careful consideration – I’m okay with that. 

Now don’t get me wrong I’m just as American and John Wayne (I mean Wonder Woman – Linda Carter was my hero) as the next person.  I want to believe I can over come the odds of any situation and be THE ONE person who can defeat, survive, and be victorious in the face of conflict and tragedy… but this is my brain asking and it knows when I’m lying.  Or at least the realism committee meets to discuss the finer points of my Probability of survival: my physical inability, lack of good luck, no real connections outside my area, and the fact I’m driving a 4-door economy car that just wouldn’t make the jump over a slightly steep speed bump let alone breaking apart pavement.  The Decision is in… OH YEAH definitely dying. 

But that’s not all bad, I mean not everybody gets to survive disasters like this and with my faith I’m confident about my after life agenda.  But my brain wasn’t done.  There were more questions it wanted to ask, and had I known this was the line of thinking it was going to head down I would have said “SHUT UP!!!” WAAAAAAY sooner. 

So What’s next? Where would I go?  Where would I be safe, where are my supplies (no I do not have a stash in my trunk – I used up all my 2001 rations YEARS ago – but there might still be some jerky), where would I seek refuge if I were by some MIRACLE to survive the earth opening up before me?  I thought about my family (1 brother, 1 sister, 1 dad) all spread out geographically so I wouldn’t need to go help them – besides cell phone service would be out I’m sure – and we are all very (I think the Politically Correct word is) Independent of each other.  My friends are gonna go toward their families either family of origin or spouse and kids. 

So WHERE would I go?  I honestly genuinely drew a GIANT blank.  I guess I would just try to get to my home/house/residence (safety I guess) or some shelter or something.  Man I guess I should get some more bottles of water and jerky, dried fruit, canned good, can opener – sorry I got distracted.  Ah well okay no biggie, not very heroic, humanitarian, or courageous, but I guess that’s what I would do.  Insert really boring shoulder shrug here. 

But my brain wasn’t done yet.  If it wasn’t bad enough that I didn’t feel very worthy of being a card carrying American who is destined to save the world, my brain decided to ask one last most poignant and impacting question: “So who would be looking for me?  Who in my life would see my safety and well-being as a priority? Who could I say honestly in a truly drastic  of Biblical proportions crisis would be seeking to ensure my safety, my survival, my well-being?”  

The calm, clear, quiet answer:  no one. 

As I heard those words enter my mind it was like it had been stated in a dark, empty, hollow, cold room with nothing to soften the words so they echoed into the darkness.  When my brain arrived at a place-I don’t think I have ever REALLY imagined in quite such a dramatic way-it was not only the truth because I felt no argument in me, but there were the facts to back it up as I have laid out all the facts as stated above.  How is it that simple thoughts can bring such an image into a feeling that affects every fiber of your being? 

It was in that place of realization that NO ONE would be checking on me, reaching out to me, trying to find me, calling me, trying to save me because I was no one’s priority.  I am level 3 – 4 at best to a couple of people, MAYBE.  Which in regular life is fine because I have gotten pretty good at doing this life on the solo track.  Yes I have friends, yes I have a church family, yes I have people who care about my well-being.  But when push comes to shove and something needs doing – it’s mostly up to me. 

But in this situation, my brain was so kind to construct this horrific amount of emptiness and despair in the truth.  No where in my life (recently) had I come to such a stark realization about my life, that I almost had to pull over because the tears didn’t just dribble down my cheeks, they flooded out my eyes.  This outpouring only served as an expression of the gut wrenching pain I was feeling in every joint and muscle of my body, again amazing how one thought of image can generate such a deep physical reaction. 

The ripple effect of this series of thoughts, seemed to permeate THE LIST concept with one simple solitary idea.  I want some one who will see me as a priority.  Some one who would above all else want me to be safe, secure, and rescued in such a catastrophic disaster.  Some one I would matter to so much that they would attempt to risk life and limb to find me.  Is that such a strange thing to want? 

In some of my discussions with people the words of chivalry, date etiquette, and commitment have surfaced.  What men should do for women or how a man should express himself or even what qualities a woman SHOULD look for.  But more than some of these things, I find myself wanting that person to make me a priority in their life.  Not above God and country, kids, self fulfillment, and their personal achievements, BUT a priority in such a way that I know I am not the last thought, the last idea, or the last consideration in daily life. 

Because seeing myself elevated in priority over the other things in life will communicate to me that I matter to that person.  I truly believe that if one person makes another person a PRIORITY in their life, some of those chivalry, date etiquette, do’s and don’ts will just flow out naturally because their heart and mind is really about caring for the other person. 

So it’s not that I need to be rescued, protected, treated like a princess, pampered, and adored (although respected would be nice)… but to see the actions, choices, words, thoughts, and behaviors that demonstrate I am a precious, personal, important PRIORITY to that person… is indeed priceless.

The List – Well, the NOT List

This whole THE LIST discussion brings me to the NOT LIST, I know people have them, but I don’t remember hearing anyone writing these things down.  I mean there are ways to put a POSITIVE spin on the NOT LIST, but there is simply no way to put the OPPOSITE of some of these things on THE LIST.  How much do personal pet peeves and simple things that make a girl say ICK become a necessary part of what I am looking for?  Is that putting limits on my future?  Does that make me look MORE judgmental and picky than all the rest of this silliness? 

So let’s get right to it, I have proven I have no shame right?  I am not a big fan of body hair, even though one of the funniest, kindest, sweetest, & outgoing guys I have ever known is covered in more body hair than most shag carpets I’ve seen. Can’t explain it… just is.

There are certain smells that just make a girl go ICK and it’s not a matter of how long ago the shower was or which soap was NOT used… just kidding.  I can only chalk it up to certain foods, regions of the world, and the natural scent the body gives off and there are distinct body scent I KNOW I am not meant to spend eternity with.  So my sense of smell may not be significant, but it is picky.  Most people don’t know that I have a very weak sense of smell, although I have never had it tested there have been moments in life where a group of people will REACT to a dramatic odor and I’m standing around going what smell?

I am concerned about a man who is dramatically overweight because I am going in the reverse direction.  Yet the reason is more about keeping up than just not being attractive, but in an effort to be TOTALLY honest (well mostly honest) I am not attracted to overweight men that carry their weight in certain ways.  I know it sounds quite hypocritical when I spell it out in so many words; but I am attempting to be honest.  In addition to that, I am also not attracted to Pencil style built men either, even when they have the height.  I know I know I just can’t seem to make up my mind. 

In all seriousness, there are a couple of things on the NOT LIST that are more significant.  A man of inaction, indecision, or insecurity to dramatic that I would have to move from a roll of respecting, encouraging cheerleader into the pushing, nagging, dragging mothering figure.  A man who is confident, bold, and decisive are traits I  desire because If a man is not strong enough to tell me No, and stand up to me in the moments that matter; the respect just won’t be there.  At times I have referred to these as weak or wishy-washy traits that generate a completely different sort of ICK reaction. 

Finally, I know this is the hardest to detect and the one I need to be the most careful of, since I am attracted to them.  The Manipulators, they talk good, promise everything, and use / abuse in every way they can to get just what they want.  I am most often sucked into this because I mistake their behavior as confidence and strength, but it is just their skill at being all things to all people.  My history has proven I am good at finding the manipulators and so I know I must be careful NOT to find one of them in my life, nor believe that some of their TALK is just that TALK. I must trust the wisdom of my friends, consult the list for confirmation, and allow the test of time in their decisions to truly show if they are real. 

I worry that I do what my mom did (or at least what I perceived she did), which was not see my dad’s flaws and failures, but married a man who said the right things at the right times.  Or that this was the first man who made her feel special and spectacular, so in some desperate belief that she would never be liked by another; choose to marry my dad.  (All speculation that has no method of confirmation at this present time.)

Will I be able to discern the same weaknesses?  Will I be able to get out, not get too deep, and not settle because there are moments I fear or feel the same things my mom did?  What do I do if I feel loved, accepted, desired, appreciated, and cared for… are those things enough?  Isn’t there more to the long-term relationship than just how I feel in the beginning?  Isn’t it important to actually LIKE the person and not just like them because they like you?

At some point I thought this honest evaluation of THE LIST was supposed to help me, but for some reason it is just reminding me of things I don’t have a choice in or control over.

The List – One More Thing…

At those random moments when I find a piece of THE LIST lying around, almost kicking around the ankles of my life, I realize that I should write it down.  After all it won’t be there forever, and heaven forbid I actually forget something that is supposed to be on THE LIST. 

When I was in one of those great thinking places (YES in the shower), I discovered something that there was YET ANOTHER thing I didn’t realize I wanted in the life partner I might get to have one day… maybe… if I’m lucky… when I figure out who I am… when he gets his act together… If God decides I can have ONE… Oh wait I got kinda side-tracked – SORRY. 

This thought emerged out of my mind one day after I saw pictures of a friend’s trophy room, of sorts.  It was amazing the amounts of sports memorabilia, which my mind IMMEDIATELY translates into how much MONEY all that MUST have cost.  This person was extremely proud of this achievement and had it displayed like personal trophies and prize accomplishments.  It was after seeing this that I realized: I don’t want someone who puts SUCH a high value on accumulating things, acquisitions, trophies, accolades, trinkets, and toys.  The amount of time it must have taken to collect all these items is just mind-boggling.  The constant focus on acquiring the next, new, better, cooler, specialer, signed, significant item, “won’t my friends be jealous I have” piece; just to place it on a shelf and brag about it truly brought a hollow feeling.  At least it did to me. 

It was then I realized, that was one more thing I wanted to add to the I DON’T WANT side of my list.  I know I KNOW the list is SUPPOSED to be what am I looking for in a man; but its MY LIST so it can have what ever I want on it… ON IT. 😛 I don’t want someone who is going to get all caught up and bogged down and burdened by the NEED for stuff to show off and impress people.  Its more than just getting hung up on the material things, which is easily seen in and around our American lives.  But it’s not JUST the materialism component, it was the attitude the owner toward these things almost like it was his legacy of sorts.  Again, in my mind – not worth the time and effort.   

I found myself desiring someone who values a relationship with other people more than the acquisition of STUFF.  Someone who if asked by God and Country (okay maybe just God) to GIVE it all away to help people, change the world, and serve Christ; this person could actually consider it.  Some one who would be more interested in giving to people in need than just having the finest cars, luxury items, sparkling jewelry, or fanciest toys. 

Now, don’t get me wrong I like shiny things just like the next person.  AND I know some of you out there (especially if you helped me move) are saying: but Christina you have a LOT of stuff, things that take up space and have value to you.  Could YOU give it all away, abandon it forever or discard it in a minute if YOU were called to such a choice?  Alas HONESTLY, I think my first response would be to put it all in storage.  Make myself decide later about truly LETTING it ALL go… But I would hope if for no other reason than PEOPLE are more important than STUFF, I could let it go gracefully and go where God sends me. 

So in keeping with the original IDEA of THE LIST… it is more important to me to spend time with people than have the big paycheck, decorated BIG house, fancy awards, expensive collectible items, OR EXTRA money in the bank (although Dave Ramsey would tell me that I need the money to do all the memory making things I want to do 🙂 ).  I am not in a big hurry to embrace the “gift of poverty” or go live in a tent on the Virgin Islands, but this simple image got me to realize this bottom line:

When it comes to giving time, energy, effort, activity, care, compassion to PEOPLE or working extra overtime just to be able to buy the latest or greatest _______________ (car, tv, computer, clothing, house, game, gadget, etc.); I want someone who values the people over the possessions.  Just one of those silly little “It’s GOING On the LIST things”.

The List – What About Me?

A friend of mine once asked me a pretty tough question when I first started discussing THE LIST with her… With all these wants and desires for the MAN to possess.  What do I have to offer a single man seeking out an amazingly good Christian woman?  What do I bring to the relationship?  I had not ever thought of it quite that way before.  I mean I know there are things that men look for and that as a woman I should bring to any relationship in order for it to be successful.  So I tried to put the shoes on the other feet, I mean foot, I mean… you get the idea. I tried to think about what I as a person have to offer.  What are those things that if a guy were to create THE LIST could I compare myself to on that accomplished side?  eHarmony even has a set of open questions where one of them actually forces you to describe yourself.    So here is my understanding of myself… I hope its “accurate”.

What do you think are the three best traits you have to offer a partner?

My desire to focus on improvement and learning is practically second nature. My primary focus is on improving things: whether it is myself, my home, my spiritual life, my mind, my relationships, my work performance, I want the next time to be better than this time. Given that I analyze things a lot, talk about cause/effect solutions, and challenge myself to change behaviors in order for change to occur. This trait will add continual growth and communication in any relationship I pursue.

My ability to show compassion, provide understanding, and discuss ideas while having the patience to not let the annoying little things get to me.  I think this is what my guy friends call the best friend factor.  Low maintenance, low stress, and easy to talk to have been used to describe me. 

My loyalty to those I love is undying and unshaken. Only after years of non communication do I ever consider a friendship dead or not worth investing. Even when burned, if the person comes to me to make amends, discuss issues, talk about feelings, or simply rekindle things; it has always rebuilt the relationship. This will provide my partner the commitment necessary to be in a long-term relationship (at least so I think).

So those are the 3 but is that all there is?  I believe I am fairly smart and keep up on most discussion and debate topics even if I am not completely knowledgeable.  I love a good story in movies, tv, or in the telling so much that I have learned to spread the love and entertain.  I strive to make people see the positive and attempt to cheer them up in their moments of stress, chaos, and sadness.

I make being real and honest a constant choice in my life even if it doesn’t feel good and may be a bit hurtful (but it is hard some days).  Even if its messy and challenging I bring an authenticity in my relationships, so you always know what I am thinking and feeling. 

I will listen, maybe not to everything, but to the things that are important to him. Since it does not come naturally, I will work at it.  I will be a woman who talks to him with respect, encouragement, and admiration. By treasuring and respecting his ideas, desires, actions, decisions, and career choices even if it does not perfectly mirror my own ideas.

I love doing things for other people and enjoy finding out how to make life easier for the other person.  Even with my passion and emotions comes a layer of logic and reason that especially comes out with challenging decisions.  And I’m pretty cute too. 😉

Have you ever tried to put on paper the things your good at?  Something feels weird about it.  So friends and neighbors would you agree?  Are those my strengths as you see them?  Are there things I am forgetting?  What would you add to this list of things I offer? What are the things I may be giving myself too much credit for – rose colored glasses maybe?

The List – Undateable or Run?

There was a time before I left for college, before I wrote THE LIST, before I even really thought I knew even for a second what I might be looking for that I asked the STUPID question (that question wich SHOULD never be asked).  There were between 3-5 of my closest guy friends that I asked this questions in hopes I would get an honest answer.  But I didn’t quite realize at the time, how each person is so focused on their own needs and desires that it is really REALLY hard to get a non-biased logical answer to this question.  OH did I forget to mention the question? 

What makes me undateable?

I thought that because guys didn’t ask me out there must be something wrong with me.  Something I must be doing or not doing is keeping me from being even considered by the guys I know and even the guys I don’t know.  Since I was on my way to college (yes a 4-year school as a 25yr old – NO ADULT LEARNER JOKES), I wanted to be better prepared.  Thinking they could offer some insight into who I was as a person; that I didn’t already know.  Or at least tell me that fatal flaw that was causing men from far and wide to “kick me into friendzone” without so much as a first date.  With way too much useless information, I went off to college thinking that with this new information and a WHOLE new attitude of acting less like a BUDDY and more like a woman would produce different results.  Well SOMEWHERE in my head that strategy was a good one.

I changed how I did friendship, I attempted to be flirty, mysterious, fun, and girly thinking this would increase my chances.  Unfortunately, between the isolation I felt being 3.5 hours away from my support system and the stress of trying to pay for college on my own, no change in results.  Some how some way my brain has always shifted to the hypothesis, test, prove, results.  So when one hypothesis doesn’t deliver results, rewrite the hypothesis.  RIGHT? 

Then there was this beautiful scene from a move I love Love LOVE… He’s just not that into you.  Some how through a series of interactions the characters Gigi and Alex develop this friendship that is unique on-screen (but pretty common to me in real life).  He gives her honest and direct feedback about her dating process, especially when it comes to a guy’s interest in her.  In the midst of a date she needs his advice:

Gigi: Hey sorry to bug you again! Uh quick question.
Alex: What’s going on?
Gigi: Ok I’m making out with this guy, PG stuff. but he mentions he’s going out-of-town so he’s gonna be out of touch.
Alex: Run.
Gigi: But maybe he is going out-of-town.
Alex: To where? New Guinea? Where’s he gonna be that he’s gonna be out of touch?
Gigi: Opens bathroom door – Where are you going out-of-town to again?
Gigi: Pittsburgh
Alex: Run.
Gigi: So what now I’m just supposed to turn from every guy who doesn’t like me?
Alex: Uh. Yeah!
Gigi: There’s not gonna be anybody left.

And there it is.  In a sweet unavoidable clear and succinct statement… if we don’t settle for what is in front of us there won’t be anybody left.  So much of that line hit me in the pit of my stomach and made me pay attention to how much that was true in my own thinking.  I honestly have been believing that I need to settle for what is around because I have lost hope that I can find or deserve better. 

I mean after all if I run from every guy who doens’t like me… There really won’t be anybody left… right? I mean so far I’m still single so that hypothesis must be true; or do I need more testing?