Emotional Revelation – Friendship

It is December and this always leads to the ALL important hunt for Great Christmas Light displays. I remember a house a group of us went to over 10 years ago, but I haven’t been back to it in years, so I asked a friend if she remembered WHERE it was. After a series of back and forth texts, she sent me the location, I saved it in my phone and in my mind this was complete. And then she sent me this text, “We also took Josh there.” And without a blink of an eye I fell off an emotional cliff into a pile of grief.

I have discussed Josh’s suicide with the friends who knew him, I have privately written  about how much I miss him, and I have processed his death in counseling; so I truly believed I was DONE with feeling the HARD feelings. Then I have an instance like this one, that comes out of no where and leaves me emotionally raw. This time it sparked instant anger. I have been doing food delivery for the last 5 months and I have had an AMAZING amount of time to process other things emotionally while driving. Since I am in this journey of feeling the feelings I had to spend some time between deliveries asking the hard questions.

What’s going on? Why is this feeling so intense? Why did this surprise me? Why am I angry? What am I feeling? What is the connection?

In the grief class, they talk about honoring the person’s memory, but accepting that things will never go back to how they were before the loss. So I started to think about my friendship with Josh. How we became friends, what we talked about, what we did together.

Then I began to think about the last time I saw him. And that brought the tears because I had a genuine care for him that was deeper than most. I wasn’t aware enough to recognize the difference between romantic love and a deep intimate friendship love. So when I saw him for the first time in 4 weeks (I had been on a work trip), my heart swelled, my face lit up, and I desperately wanted a hug. In that embrace I said, “I missed you…” but in that moment I felt a deep revealing vulnerability that embarrassed me. So I quickly attached the word “guys”. I have been protecting myself from being really vulnerable with someone ANYONE for years and it is a habit that dies a hard slow death. So instead of telling Josh I missed him and venturing down the road of what that meant, I made it shallow and superficial. This is one of the only things I Truly regret about my relationship with Josh.

In my continued reflection on my relationship with Josh, I began to wonder if there are other relationships in my life like it. I have found if I can detect patterns it helps me make connections to feelings and potential hang ups. Determining whether there are beliefs or attitudes in my life that need adjusting.

Although I quickly realized I didn’t actually find a pattern, but rather the lack of pattern that caught my attention. I realized there wasn’t a single male friend I had been close to since Josh. No one I was truly myself with, no one I trusted, no one I felt free to talk with about anything, no one I had shared my hurts and struggles with. At least not in the way that I did with Josh and not in a way that made me feel safe and cared for.

As I arrived at this emotional realization, it became clear to me that I had done this on purpose. I had made an internal vow to never trust someone with my heart again. That I would strive to intentionally distance myself from any guy that seemed to care about me unless I knew FOR SURE that they meant it.

As a result of this internal vow, anytime I would detect ANY caring or loving feelings I would back away in fear. I would find some reason not to trust them, not to REALLY open up, not to be vulnerable around them for fear I would be hurt again. It wasn’t hurt by rejection (with which I am very experienced), but this catastrophic fear that some how I had allowed myself to care about and care for me would leave me. WOW… What an insight! What an irrational fear! What a way to live my life so separated from people who care.

I haven’t arrived at a place of knowing what to do about this revelation yet. But I know it is coming up because I have a new guy friend in my life. And I find myself constantly fighting with the want to share and the fear of the consequences of developing a deep friendship again. There is such a normal and natural comfort I have with him that I have not experienced since my friendship with Josh. So stumbling upon this realization was quite unsettling and unnerving. So much so that I needed to write it as best I could.  Now to ride the emotional roller coaster that follows, including the occasional emotional hangover. 

That wasn’t me… Or Was it?

I reconnected with a friend of mine over a year ago and while we were at coffee he was retelling a story from an afternoon conversation we had in my back yard oh so LONG ago.  He spoke of my incredible faith and the confidence in which I spoke it.  The conversation was about worry and the future and what to do about both.  He says my response stays with him still today, “If I lose my job, God will provide another.  If I can’t teach anymore, God will show me what is next.”  Simple, confident and full of zeal those words seemed to me. So contrary to where I was in my life at this time, I asked him if he was sure that was me?  I mean there were a lot of Christina’s in the group back then, “Are you sure that was me?” He was POSITIVE he promised, that it was me.  He even gave detailed account of where we were sitting and the sunshine day that it was. 

Even though I politely, accepted his recount of the events; I still drove away thinking, “That couldn’t have been me.  I am sure he must have been talking with that other Christina. That just doesn’t sound like me.  It doesn’t sound like words I would say.  It definitely could not have been how I was feeling, because I don’t ever remember feeling that certain about anything.” 

As I retold the story to a few of my friends who still knew me from back then, one dear friend reminded me, “Yes that sounds like you.  Yes that is something you would have said back then.  I remember how you talked to us about God and life and everything.  Yes that was something you would have said.”  So here I was in quite the quandary.  I believed I had a very good grasp on my memories of things: me, places, people, ideas, etc.  But now I was having to try to reconcile my memories with his AND her memories of me.  I would have NEVER dreamed my idea of the past would be so different from others. 

This started to remind me of how much my life had changed from those days.  How when I moved to Seattle my world fell apart: my “family” went away, I experienced the “crisis of faith”, my friends disappeared, the confidence I once oozed out of my pores had evaporated from my soul, and I couldn’t build new real friendships in this strange silly place.  Who would have thought a simple move 3 hours north of my whole WORLD, would have brought such chaos and disaster into my emotional, social, spiritual, and physical life.  But it did.  And the consequences are still ever-present in my life today. 

As I was leaving that meeting with my friend I took a quick inventory of my life: relationship with God, Faith, Church, and the like and it was immediately clear to me, “I am never going to get back there.”  Back to that place where I had that faith and confidence in God like I use to.  That my WHOLE spiritual life would never return to a simpler, safer, securer time as I had back then. 

Then I signed up for CAMP – Royal Family Kids Camp – Tualatin.  The details and background on this are soon to come, but fast forwarding to a week after camp and I am talking with a friend on the phone.  And it happens, right there as natural as it was 15 years ago.  The statement of faith… “If that happens then God will just have to take care of the details.” And in a moment I was transported back in time to a place I had lost.  And through the shame, guilt, sadness, hurt, and despair, I had returned back to a confident place of faith that I thought was gone FOREVER.  And in that moment I realized that comment that was said so long ago… was me.  And now in this next step and in this next moments, it IS ME.

Life is Pain, Highness.

Begins a quote from one of my favorite movies of all time.  Not because it is a romance with all the GOOSHY ICKY girlie feelings in it, but because it tells an incredible story.  And in that story there are some of the finest quotes ever spoken, bit dramatic, well just remember who the writer of the blog is.  Yet as I continue my ever so slow read through “The Shack” I am finding that there are certain pieces of perspective that are triggering parts of my own world view.  And this day it was the “Here come Da Judge” chapter. 

In this season of life, I am struggling with meeting new people, believing their input, trusting the sincerity, and leaning on them for support.  Now each of these things are at different levels of relationship (I understand), but my heart’s goal is to have true community and be able to lean on people for support.  In turn also be there to provide support emotionally, physically, and financially as much as I can.  So at times the first thing is completely bogging down the ability to accomplish the end goal.  For some reason the ability to just relax and enjoy the newness of a potential friendship is clouded by the fear of OH SO MANY THINGS.  So in my giant list of REASONS why I do not step out and reach out and initiate just the simplest of HI how are you?  There is this paralyzing wave that over takes me and I am beyond my normal strength to break through it. 

When reading today it occurred me the part that what I fear is the pain.  The potential pain or the fear or experiencing the SAME pain I have in the past.  I worry that these people will do all those things I fear: laugh at me, reject me, ignore me, humiliate me, make fun of me, and yes most importantly LAUGH at me for trying.  Then even deeper is the thought what if these people cannot be trusted?  What if I put in all this effort and energy and they hurt me ANYWAY? What if I believe this is real genuine heartfelt honest to goodness friendship and they abandon me, again.  Again… What a word that is… and it of course launches me into a whole new pile of analysis.  But that one is the heart of this posting ANYWAY. 

Again… Abandoned again… Left Alone again… Even harsher Hurt again… Ignored Again… Rejected Again… Humiliated AGAIN… All of these phrases take me to memories in my head that are specific to some of the most painful, hurtful times in my life.  But amazingly enough these people (most of them) were and are my friends.  The ones at the time I trusted, leaned on, relied on, opened up my deepest of worries and concerns… but they still hurt me.  Not on purpose, not with malicious intent, not to inflict harm.  Yet they hurt me. 

Just recently I had a situation with some of my nearest and dearest friends (at least so my emotions would tell me) and I feel like I trust them with so many parts of my life and soul.  But our exchange was hurtful, their advice biting, and their understanding of my dilemma was completely absent.  Instead I experienced judgement, criticism, unwarranted advice, and condemnation.  It confused my heart, it baffled my emotions, and left me feeling completely depressed and disoriented. 

With that episode firmly lodged in my recent memory, I was confronted with an ugly truth.  They will always hurt you, they will always disappoint you, they will always come up short.  So if my friends that I trust and believe in will, can, and DO hurt me… how is that any different than the strangers I am so afraid of meeting.  How is my perspective in trying to start something new so scary and insurmountable because they can’t be trusted, when really truly no one can be trusted not to hurt me. 

That is not how this world operates, that is not a reasonable expectation in this fallen world of selfish people… myself included. The next thing in realizing that life is pain, highness is to attempt to remedy life inside a world of pain.  How then does someone walk through this life with reasonable expectation of being hurt, but not allowing it to destroy them or deflate them?  How do I embrace the knowledge that pain is coming without being paralyzed by the fear of its coming?