Because I thought it was clever and cute

As I am trying to follow each step of this #blobbing101 adventure, today is about creating a Title and tagline.  Since I have the title of my blog I like my first thoughts were to SKIP today’s assignment.  But if I recall correctly part of this little process is to WRITE, not necessarily with the intent of producing something AWESOME and interesting.  So I scrolled down the page and found another topic option to be to EXPLAIN why I like my title and tagline.  Well that sounds right up my alley, I LOVE to explain things; I mean it is kind of my job in real life.

A few moments ago, say 3 years, I was in the throws of life when I found people commenting that I should write a book. Whether it was about all my stories, that I tell on a regular basis, or about how to learn how to learn, or the weight loss journey I was in the middle, it really didn’t matter because the theme was WRITE.  The more I contemplated and thought and talked about these mentionings I do believe someone who blogs on a regular basis, mentioned, “You should start a blog.” UH that would be a NO.  And then fast forward to various moments of thinking and wondering.  So there I was dialing the phone and blurted out, “So how do I start This Silly Blog Thing?” And after scheduling a time to discuss how all the details around here work, he mentioned that I needed to pick a title.  I felt a certain amount of pride in my clever little witty blurt, so it became my title.

The tagline seemed to take some development.  Trying to find, in a way, a mission statement of sorts.  Wanting to be as honest and forthright to any potential readers that would wander by; I tried to provide an overview of sorts.  So much of the things that seem to occupy my brain revolve around: the emotions I am feeling or trying not to feel; my life long war with food, exercise, and this silly thing called physical health; and the thing I desire the most in life: a real relationship with God, my friends, and (one day) a significant other (preferably real man).

So as I try to live life out in the real world, I will be attempting to catalog it here in whatever method and fashion it falls onto the page.  No matter what the topic of the hour or day, (especially those days I feel SILLY, dorky, boring, random, confused, or unimportant) I will be faithful to post something.  Even if it is from the archives of life because Heaven knows I can Tell a few stories.

PS. I do believe the last few times I began blogging I was trying too hard to make it into something.  I was constantly caught up in the aspect of WHAT IS THE POINT?  WHO IS MY AUDIENCE?  HOW WILL THIS WORK TOGETHER TOWARDS MY GOALS? (What goals?) So this time I am just writing.  I guess those therapy sessions to work on my perfectionistic personality disorder are really paying off.


There might be something to this blogging thing

Let’s see if participation in this Blogging 101 thing MIGHT JUST MAYBE JUST POSSIBLY get me to actually blog for 3o days.

Sure why not.  It will get me writing about whatever the topic of the day is instead of having to feel compelled to write on the DEEP gut wrenching emotion of the hour. My life has been altered and some of my obligations are no longer demanding attention, so writing might just be possible again.

So assignment #1: Who am I and why am I here…

Now that could be a long story.  Let’s try bullet points instead:

  • 42 years Alive
  • Single Never Married
  • Northwest Resident – Oregon
  • Corporate Trainer – I teach people how to use their computers
  • Extroverted Conversationalist – I love to talk and be around LOTS and LOTS of people
  • Focus on the comedic and sarcastic comments that could or should be said in any given situation

I am here because a friend recommended, well challenged me to write a blog… but that mostly started because I was told by 3 different people in my life that I should write a book all within the same 6 weeks.  That seemed like a little bit of a nudge rather than mere coincidence.  So I started a mis-mash of blog postings on various subjects, which then resulted in a pile of topics I SHOULD write about, only to be overrun by the burden or obligation of doing it RIGHT all the time.  SO there are those ideas that sit waiting to be realized or perfected at some point when I can FIND THE TIME.

Therefore, as with a lot of things I have been experiencing these last 6 months, no more planning, no more perfecting, no more polishing, just DO IT and see what happens.  Success or failure, accomplishment or flop, victory or needs improvement, I DID something.  And that my friends is what I need to begin doing again.

So cheers to Day #1 Back to the Blog and yes I am cheating and re-posting something from say JANUARY!


Blogging and iTunes

New Post Requires a New Layout – Theme Thingy…

So I do not know what the record is for the longest gap between posts, but I am nearly quickly to the 6 month mark, so I thought I should venture back into the blog room and dust off the cob webs.  Only to discover that they lovely people at Word Press have been so nice to make a DOZEN changes or so to HOW I post blog thingys.  So after I spent 2 hours updating my new phone with the apps I had on it from the OLD phone, I spent at least 30 min trying to find where I can post a new blog post thingy. 

To all those write peoples I know, how do you write when you are uninspired?  Where there is TOO much in life to sum up in one 500 word post, when the MAJOR changes you have been making in life are on hold due to OTHER major life changes, and when you just don’t see the blog thing like you use to?  How do you find something significant to write about when it seems that there are TOO many directions your brain wants to go; but no words to fill page? 

In many ways, I view my list of topics to blog about a lot like my iTunes Song storage vault.  I have more music stored in iTunes than I have place for it on my iPod.  Now before you go suggesting that I get a NEW iPod, please see previous posts on budgeting and DAVE RAMSEY (HOPE – It’s not just Fluffy).  So when I sync my iPod I have to PRIORITIZE, I have to CHOOSE.  Who am I going to have space for today?  Even better, what am I going to be in the mood to listen to on my 4 hr drive to Seattle, or my 6 hr plane ride to New Jersey? 

I try to spend time creating lists of the new songs I have downloaded (cleverly marking them NEWBIES), only to find that I have dragged and dropped the ENTIRE album I downloaded.  Now don’t get me wrong, I WANTED the whole album when I bought it, but I only want the song I WANT in my newbie list.  So there I am stranded half way around the world with just my iPod but no iTunes in which to FIX IT.  So I must fast forward through song after song looking for the CLUMP of single songs I really wanted.   Of course I have tried to create playlists, cleverly title 1Drive, 2Work, 3Sleep, and a few other randomly created ones like RFKC, Dance Mix, Sweet List, Top 100, etc etc.  But those always seem to inspire the same reaction: “But I’m bored with those…” Anyone else have a brain that can pull off that whiney Jr. Higher voice at a moment’s notice?  So I SUFFER through until such time as I return home and address my iTunes SITUATION. But that can wait til my next trip–Wait a minute I’m leaving on Sunday again, Ahhhhh Crap.

So my ideas for blogging are all clumped together inside all the other thoughts that are roaming around my head.  Hopefully, this is the beginning of me sorting them out.

Some Days its better NOT to think about it

So I have been struggling to blog for months and months.  It is mostly because the things that have been filling my mind have all been focused around a specific person.  And with every thought and every idea that seemed to enter my mind I couldn’t write it out here in the Public forum.  I had been so convinced in the past that I could handle being honest in any circumstances in any environment; but I was wrong.  I found that moment in time when I could not just write what I was feeling because I knew that a certain person out there wouldn’ t like it. 

There are so many things and so many stories I cannot even begin to catch up on the things that have happened. 

I’m angry… I am so completely angry that I have to explain myself.  That I have to sit here and allow these attacking thoughts to my self-esteem, character, integrity, and life with no defense.  Even now I can’t seem to type one sentence at a time.  The thoughts are muddy and cloudy and confusing.  Just as I grab on to one to put it on paper it escapes and runs for cover.  I enjoyed so much this medium of writing what I think and thinking what I write, but it is such a struggle now just to write to connecting thoughts. 

So I have an appointment with a new counselor at the End of July.  I am filling out the paperwork and trying to decide what do I want to talk about?  What do I want to focus on and work on?  It almost seems like because Ted (no not a real name) always talks about counseling and what my counselor will say and what I need to talk to my counselor about that I am already posturing myself to do battle with a woman I haven’t even met yet. 

There is a part of me that wants to defend my life, defend my experience, and defend my life philosophy about friends, community, and relationships.  I know there are things I haven’t figured out, I know there are things I need to learn, but this whole experience with Ted has really gotten me to question whether or not I am connected with reality or not.  Why is it like this?  Why am I confronted with this conflict internally all because someone said I am wrong.

Fast forward to today… And without further Adieu I am back.  The people in my life are important.  I need to be careful who I allow into my sphere of influence because Ted was just a continual conversation focused on every little detail of me that was wrong, imperfect, unloving, inappropriate, ungodly, and out of touch.  And that doesn’t matter.  That stuff is who I AM.  I need to make no apologies for the character and creation I have become.  I am only to BE the Woman that is living this life, trying to figure things out.  And yes there will be people who don’t get that, but that doesn’t matter.  They can NOT understand it all they want, it shouldn’t change who I am and who I am striving to become. 

Therefore, with new wisdom, support, resolve, and determination I return back to my process of old, my blogging of the thoughts that appear in my mind and on my heart.  Knowing and BELIEVING there is a community of friends out there who wants me and a man who will love and ACCEPT me… with all my flaws, fables, fantastical wishes, and fantastic ideas.

People Pleaser no more… If that’s ok with you?

Somewhere in my vast training I forgot to learn something. I forgot how to learn how to not care what people think. A friend of mine a few years ago sat in my living room and called me a people pleaser. Now that may not seem like much to the rest of you, but in my mind that was the most perfect form of insult you could throw at me. I was aghast, appalled and a few more adjectives I will refrain from displaying. I did not however SAY anything to this person simply because I didn’t want to be rude. Some of you may even ask, what is wrong with that? Isn’t it a good social skill to know what it is that people want and try to adapt a situation to fit it? Maybe if you are a marketing firm trying to sell more chocolates but not as an independent free thinking opinionated single woman who wants to make her mark on the world.

The thing you have to realize is that I have been working for over a decade of my life to shed this character trait. I have been trying so desperately to be my own woman, make my own decisions, and try oh try NOT to do what only everyone else wants. The problem is I think I have revert back to this behavior because I have found a good EXCUSE. Isn’t that always the way of it? We fight against a particular tendency or habit only to discover a perfectly good REASON for us to continue doing the original behavior. So we justify, rationalize, and make excuses for said behavior all in the name of the REASON.

I mean I have been trying to accommodate most of my friends to spend time with them, is that pleasing? I don’t invite people to go out to dinner because I know I will have to compromise on where to go, gotta go with the flow, right? I even censor my opinions and ideas as it could possibly offend, is that for the people? I even took a huge break from blogging because I was afraid IF a certain person was reading it, misunderstanding it, and causing chaos in my life, now that was just SILLY know, I KNOW!

Even this week during MY vacation, I have been in a constant struggle with knowing what to do when, with whom, or in what order. I mean FOR HEAVEN’s SAKE since when did my happiness or relaxation become about whether or not everybody else was pleased? Some how I have lost whatever healthy ground I had gained in this area.

I have started to read about specific women in the bible and have had some genuinely heart-felt connections occur in my mind that I thought would make good blog posts. Only to be confronted with the idea, “No one wants to read about that, its boring; besides shouldn’t you have had these insights like years ago (if you had been reading your bible); it’s this basic bible stuff your JUST now figuring out?” I mean nothing screams trapped than an insecure person having a fight with a paranoid worrying personality with a co-dependant people pleaser. I am not laying a claim to any of the other parts of those (at the moment), but it is definitely beginning to cause me some concern.

So just as the original intent of this blog was to write WHATEVER, WHENEVER, HOWEVER it comes out… I am giving myself permission to view it that way again. It isn’t necessarily about the comments, hits, likes I get—although I must admit its kind of addicting at times—it is about writing and sharing and storytelling. It is with this renewed attitude and focus that I take up the pen, well keyboard and begin this process… yet again.

Is that ok with you?

The Drafts Folder was suppose to help me…

But all it is doing is causing me to think too hard.  I have these great ideas for blog posts, so in an effort to not forget them I start a draft and just leave it there.  Then I assume that hours later (well days or weeks later) I will reopen my nugget of thought and be inspired to continue the thought and bring it to its natural conclusion.  BUT THIS NEVER WORKS OUT THIS WAY!!! Why is that?  Why do I think this idea I am having is so great and connected to what I am feeling or so profound that I must just write my thoughts on it out there for the world to see?  But then I do nothing with it. 

I am even sitting here in the grand outdoors, soaking in all the great nature (some days Oregon can just NOT be beat when it comes to trees, greenery, and peace and quiet) and figured this was the most PERFECT time to drag out those drafts and make them into actual BLOG posts.  And even now I am stuck staring at them going, what was I trying to say there?  Why am I not feeling INSPIRED to write about that now?  Maybe it’s a mood thing.  Maybe I need to realize that not all great thoughts will turn into blog posts. 

Maybe I need a new location for these supposed GREAT ideas because right now they just seem to be LOOMING To Do items.  You know the ones, like the unread emails that sit in your inbox bolded, begging for your attention.  You have the intention of reading them WHEN YOU GET SOME TIME, but they are not high priority.  So there they sit, but the number of BOLDED items ALSO sits in your inbox reminding you of all the things you haven’t done YET. 

So it becomes this new and pressing NEED to cross off the list, or get DONE so that it doesn’t bother you anymore.  Well at least that is what it does to me.  I have worked very hard to attempt to change the wiring my thinking to either get the items read, deleted, or JUST IGNORE THEM until you want to read them.  But that just doesn’t seem to work as well as I want it to.  Why is that? 

Have I been so conditioned to get my “chores” done so that I can play, that I cannot seem to walk by a SOMETHING that needs doing and NOT do it?  Or I can’t just let it be.  You know that box that needs to go in the garage? Or that dirty part of the door that needs to be cleaned? Or the pile of clothes in the corner that just need to be put in a bag to take to goodwill?  I mean my home is FULL of these LITTLE things and not all are my responsibility to fix.  And not all of them need DOING right now or EVER, but there is this nagging feeling in the back of my mind every time I see them.  It seems to get added to this giant pile of obligations I have on my plate or even on my actual physical To Do list.  

But I find that if I stop what I am doing and do those little things I become a little ADD or ADHD (whatever the easily distractible one is) and I have a dozen things started at once.  Cookies baking, dishes soaking, iTunes updating, email reading, counter wash rag waiting, plant watering pitcher needed, phone text reading, and television show watching.  That is just the ones I remember starting. 

Now what was I working on again?  Oh yeah that drafts folder…