If the answer is yes, then Monday morning I was totally and COMPLETELY hungover. Now granted it was a Monday work day, so sometimes I wonder if I am just being a rebellious teenager. My brain is trying to deny the realities of adult life by pulling my covers up over my head and screaming, “NO I DON’T WANT TO ADULT TODAY.” Meanwhile, my physical body as it attempts to move out into the cold screams, “HERE HERE WE CONCUR. NO ADULTING TODAY.”
However, today felt different. I was going through the normal process of shaking the cobwebs out of my head. Reminding myself of the goodness of life and that his is just part of the hard things. Also attempting to motivate myself with gentle coaching, “IT will feel better with coffee. You have things you do want to accomplish today. It is always better once you get going.” Now whether or not these are really lies just to keep myself from never leaving my cozy, comfortable, perfectly peaceful bed I do not know.
However, after coffee and breakfast and a little time had passed; my brain would still not engage. Whenever something doesn’t work the way I want it to I start to ask WHY, WHY, WHY questions. I have been accused of over analyzing things on a regular basis; and there is no point in denying it because that would take up an entire blog post all by itself. During my analysis I am realizing that the emotional revelation (still trying to decide if I can actually write about said revelation yet) I had last night has come at a cost. I have been very fortunate in the last 2 years of blog silence to have been coached on feeling the feelings (another fabulous tangent for another day). In short let’s say I have spent almost my ENTIRE LIFE, managing my feelings (which is code for hiding them, muting them, shaming them, and attempting to NOT feeling them).
So I spent my evening holding this emotional revelation in my mind. It’s like holding a giant crystal with all the facets and edges and turning it around in your hand examining what it does in the light. Turning it over and over looking at it from all sides and all positions to see what it is made of and attempt to see how it works. So I did this with the emotional revelation: asking all the why does this matter, how do I feel, what do I think this means. Then attempting to answer what am I supposed to do with this NOW question. Which, just for the record, I do not have the answer for yet. But this examination of the feelings and attempting to describe my connection to it is a new process for me.
My usual MO is to avoid, distract, run, hide, deflect, minimize, or explain away the fact that this is in my past no need to dwell. As I examined this, I cried, I breathed deeply, I felt a pain deep in my body, which I have learned is where grief lives. It was taking me to a place that hurt, that was sad, that left a mark, that has shaped how I build relationships with people (even though I didn’t know it). I stepped into the swamp of that grief and let myself feel it. I let it seep into my thoughts, my emotions, and all the way into my heart. Even now while I am writing I can feel that tense pressure on my chest, right in the center of my breast bone; which I now know is a sign for me that I am experiencing something deeply painful. This didn’t take forever but I felt I gave it a significant amount of time to reveal all its “sides”. And I know I have more to process on it until it is not so magnified. I was also determined to not let this detract from the amazing weekend I had already experienced: Girls Coffee, Friends Dinner, Christmas Lights, New Church Visit, and Deep Talk Dinner.
But this experience has left me wrung out, mentally tired, dehydrated, physically drained, emotionally spent, spiritually wanting, and searching for a really good breakfast — That’s the same way a hangover feels, Right?
PS – I am struggling with my perfectionistic nature (MUST DO THINGS THE RIGHT WAY OR NOT AT ALL) and my belief in linear story telling (IF THEY DON’T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED BEFORE THEY WON’T KNOW WHY THIS MATTERS) with writing this blog again (And yes I used all caps because I feel these statements YELLING at me). I FEEL there is so much to tell, there is so much to catch up on, there is so many behind the scenes pieces I HAVE TO SHARE; so please bare with me as I try to sort out what to say and how to say it and what to share later and what to save for a private space. I appreciate knowing I have an audience: people I know and people I don’t who care about what I am sharing; so thank you for helping me share my story. Even if it feels like I am not doing it right. 😀