I have forgotten the purpose of blogging. It is to express a point of view, more specifically MY point of view. A place where I can share my thoughts, my stories, my impressions, my life experiences, and my opinions. But I have spent a couple of years trying to come back here and write my thoughts. Find a thread of an idea that would make a good blog story. Try to determine what would be “appropriate” for a blog entry. Trying to craft that perfect opening statement, determine what topic would be of interest to the people who follow me, or display my latest vulnerability about my emotional struggles or spiritual breakthroughs. Try to put to paper something ANYTHING that resembled a blog post. Many times the conversation in my head would then devolve into finding a purpose to my blog, or establishing a theme; at which point I would get lost in a maze of “SHOULDS” that would inevitably end in “NEVER MIND” this is too hard.
I, also, ran into the thought over and over again: What about the comments? What if what I write is perceived as weird or out there or inappropriate by someone somewhere sometime. And that is when I stop thinking of trying to write. For fear of the comments. I filter myself on Facebook because there are things I believe you just don’t put online in social media because of the comments. Or because of the audience of people who are watching and witnessing your life. Especially because I feel like I have an eclectic group of friends on my Facebook from various points of views, opinions and such; that I want to maintain relationships with. But even cruising around the internet reading certain articles and stories and recipes, I accidentally scroll too far and I begin to read the comments and it doesn’t take even an entire computer screen for me to be outrage at the rudeness and inappropriate words posted in the comments section. Which I believe has contributed to my fear of the comments on my own blog if I were to share my experiences. Yes, I am the type of person who is influenced by comments. Comments on my Facebook, comments at work, comments on my personal life, comments on my health (that is code for being over weight), comments on my attitude, comments on singleness, comments on my faith, comments on my choices. There are comments I hear from people I care about and TOTAL STRANGERS that stick in my mind and run on replay and roll around making a regular appearance over and over again. This has happened so much in life I have tried various methods of managing the comments so I do not get overwhelmed and choose to hide away from ALL human contact altogether. (This doesn’t work so well for an extreme extrovert who LOVES being social).
In that amazingly thoughtful place my brain likes to analyze things as I am waking up, I decided I SHOULD BLOG THIS VERY IDEA. I have blogged about emotional struggles, and social frustrations before; THIS could be exactly a good starting point. I thought it could be something I could craft and write and begin the process of being vulnerable again in written form. One thing I have been challenging myself to do these days; has been to look whatever fear or anxiety is plaguing me right in the FACE and attempt to figure it out. Where did this fear come from, when did it start, why does it have power, what does it make me feel, and analyze its purpose and mission. Sometimes just identifying this fear will lessen its power and control, but it still remains; while other times it will disappear completely. But in those moments sometimes it is hard to admit I have struggled, sometimes its hard to write the words that match the feelings. Sometimes I am not certain that people will believe me or like what I share, and for whatever reason (probably because that is how I am wired) that is important to me.
So I am starting again to write. I do not promise consistent thought or theme (my life is an interwoven tapestry of cooking, driving, dating or wanting to date, conversations with God, friendship experiences, and striving to improve myself). I do not promise a regular schedule of posting. I do not promise a logical expression of thought. I do not promise to be concise or use few words. I do not promise to use correct language, grammar, or sentence structure (Grammar Nazi’s please show me grace). However, I do promise that what I write will be genuine and authentic. I promise to write the words to match my experiences as best as I know how. I promise to try to express as much of my life as I can muster. I promise there will be my quirky brand of humor. I can also promise to insert random life stories about my life experiences that strike me as “A GOOD STORY” from time to time without warning. But writing again is the mission and as a wise person recently has told me to say when I face fear and anxiety despite my default posture to retreat, hide, or play dead: “You can do hard things. You have done MUCH harder things. You will overcome hard things. You can do this hard thing.” So for today, the hard thing is hitting the Publish button, with a few deep breaths, trusting I CAN continue to do this hard thing.