Where would we be without boys? I mean Men. I mean the opposite sex. I mean OH I don’t know what I mean. It has been a life’s decision to call the guys I am attracted to BOYS in an effort to lessen their importance to my emotional psyche as to not obsession constantly about them. This has been met with mixed results, but at least I am trying, right?
I find myself at home in post Super Bowl bliss because despite the absolute dominance of the Seattle Seahawks (I am a 49er fan), I enjoyed the game immensely. And for none of the expected reasons. It was a pleasant surprise and quirky turn of events; that led the joyful, energetic emotions I am experiencing. Since it has been so long since I have written, I am feeling at a loss on where to start and what to say. So let us begin with the realization of last Friday…
I have a friend I chat things up with from time to time and we usually are deep into the spiritual and psychological brain teasing at what ever stage of life we are in. Through all the discussions we had the one that hit me like a lightning bolt was the one about my bad habit of trying to PROVE how good I am to the boys I am interested in. Since I have not been exactly successful in attracting the opposite sex to even the step of asking me out, asking for my number or complimenting me; I figured it was time to branch out and try something new. A lot like the Pink shoes.
As a result of some new boys in my circle, I am coming face to face with my emotions and wants and totally and completely CRAZY bad habits. With each interaction, I am finding myself completely disturbed by my actions. So I start to ask myself WHY are you doing that? Why did you say that? Why do you feel compelled to do this? And the answer was always buried in the motive that I needed to PROVE I was good at that particular task.
I needed to bring a STELLAR dish because I needed to PROVE I was a good cook. I needed to be witty and sarcastic to PROVE I had a good sense of humor. I HAD to dress up to PROVE I cared about my appearance. I had to offer up some deep spiritual insight to PROVE my relationship with God was real. I was REQUIRED to help with EVERYTHING to PROVE I was a serving person. And on and ON the process went for my behaviors in front of guys I was interested in. I was starting to see the pattern emerge little by little. I had not quite DUG into the depths of the WHY and HOW COME or WHEN did that start until I had this REVEALING conversation with my friend in the Spaghetti Factory Parking lot at almost midnight.
He was describing some of the reasons he acted he did, and it sent my wheels a turning. As I began to look at my actions through a similar lens it hit me hard and QUICK. I do these things to PROVE I am a good woman, worthy of dating, deserving of a partner in crime because in all honesty I do not believe they will be attracted to me based on my appearance alone. And since I have been told For FOREVER that Guys are only attracted to what they SEE, I must SHOW THEM PROOF; they can look beyond just the physical to all these other ACTIONS and BEHAVIORS to like me, want me, desire me, love me.
WHAM!!! There it is AGAIN, my self-worth or lack there of based solely and completely on my appearance. That age-old struggle between believing I can be loved as is or only once I change. UGH, ICK, ARG.. really THAT AGAIN?!!?!!??! It really is TAINTING EVERYTHING ABOUT ME ISN’T IT??? Okay maybe that is being a little overly dramatic (that is the drama queen in me acting up.)
But it was in that moment of clarity that I began again with the strategy for future self-talk. And a decision to begin loving myself as I am. Being thankful for the body God has given me regardless of the flaws. To become more at peace with who I am ENTIRELY and wear the confidence of acceptance each and every day. So now it is just a matter of wearing that confidence around the boys, which leads me to two more life changes: Be in the moment and Just be yourself. To be blogged about later…