Because they won’t like me if…

Where would we be without boys?  I mean Men.  I mean the opposite sex.  I mean OH I don’t know what I mean.  It has been a life’s decision to call the guys I am attracted to BOYS in an effort to lessen their importance to my emotional psyche as to not obsession constantly about them.  This has been met with mixed results, but at least I am trying, right?

I find myself at home in post Super Bowl bliss because despite the absolute dominance of the Seattle Seahawks (I am a 49er fan), I enjoyed the game immensely.  And for none of the expected reasons.  It was a pleasant surprise and quirky turn of events; that led the joyful, energetic emotions I am experiencing.  Since it has been so long since I have written, I am feeling at a loss on where to start and what to say. So let us begin with the realization of last Friday…

I have a friend I chat things up with from time to time and we usually are deep into the spiritual and psychological brain teasing at what ever stage of life we are in.  Through all the discussions we had the one that hit me like a lightning bolt was the one about my bad habit of trying to PROVE how good I am to the boys I am interested in. Since I have not been exactly successful in attracting the opposite sex to even the step of asking me out, asking for my number or complimenting me; I figured it was time to branch out and try something new.  A lot like the Pink shoes.

As a result of some new boys in my circle, I am coming face to face with my emotions and wants and totally and completely CRAZY bad habits.  With each interaction, I am finding myself completely disturbed by my actions.  So I start to ask myself WHY are you doing that?  Why did you say that?  Why do you feel compelled to do this?  And the answer was always buried in the motive that I needed to PROVE I was good at that particular task.

I needed to bring a STELLAR dish because I needed to PROVE I was a good cook.  I needed to be witty and sarcastic to PROVE I had a good sense of humor.  I HAD to dress up to PROVE I cared about my appearance.  I had to offer up some deep spiritual insight to PROVE my relationship with God was real.  I was REQUIRED to help with EVERYTHING to PROVE I was a serving person. And on and ON the process went for my behaviors in front of guys I was interested in.  I was starting to see the pattern emerge little by little.   I had not quite DUG into the depths of the WHY and HOW COME or WHEN did that start until I had this REVEALING conversation with my friend in the Spaghetti Factory Parking lot at almost midnight.

He was describing some of the reasons he acted he did, and it sent my wheels a turning.  As I began to look at my actions through a similar lens it hit me hard and QUICK.  I do these things to PROVE I am a good woman, worthy of dating, deserving of a partner in crime because in all honesty I do not believe they will be attracted to me based on my appearance alone.  And since I have been told For FOREVER that Guys are only attracted to what they SEE, I must SHOW THEM PROOF; they can look beyond just the physical to all these other ACTIONS and BEHAVIORS to like me, want me, desire me, love me.

WHAM!!! There it is AGAIN, my self-worth or lack there of based solely and completely on my appearance.  That age-old struggle between believing I can be loved as is or only once I change. UGH, ICK, ARG.. really THAT AGAIN?!!?!!??!  It really is TAINTING EVERYTHING ABOUT ME ISN’T IT??? Okay maybe that is being a little overly dramatic (that is the drama queen in me acting up.)

But it was in that moment of clarity that I began again with the strategy for future self-talk.  And a decision to begin loving myself as I am. Being thankful for the body God has given me regardless of the flaws.   To become more at peace with who I am ENTIRELY and wear the confidence of acceptance each and every day.  So now it is just a matter of wearing that confidence around the boys, which leads me to two more life changes: Be in the moment and Just be yourself. To be blogged about later…

It was just an Awkward night… and then there was the Super Bowl

“What are you looking for?’  Which I believe was intended as a job seeking inquiry.

“I’m looking for a Red-head, Nice body, witty personality; like the Wendy’s commercial girl…”

Is kind of what I thought I heard.  Upon which it was quickly followed up with: “I have dated a lot of blondes and that never ended well.”

Only to hear one of the Married People chime in with my name and a point in my direction.

“HUH?”  Was the only reply I could muster, especially since I am not a natural blonde; but wasn’t in a position to share that with a room full of practically ALL strangers.  I am sure that it looked like there was a look on my face that resembled complete cluelessness or of the hamster wheel spinning to only produce NUTHING.  I had NOTHING.  Which is very uncommon for me.  I am usually very quick on my feet with the sarcastic witty response of the hour.  I consider myself a fairly confident conversationalist in almost any arena; only to be vested speechless in embarrassing or self-conscious moments.  SO this one was a double WHAMMY!!!

Now after suffering that little moment of AWKWARDNESS, the rest of the night was a total disaster.  I was actually trying to get some conversational time with another guy (don’t judge me, I’m single) The Comedian; but we just couldn’t get two moments together in the same room.  Not to MENTION I was having one of those awkward nights where I just couldn’t feel normal in my own skin.  I didn’t know what to DO with myself at any point in the evening.  So I loitered and wandered from room to room aimlessly gaining more and more frustrated as the evening progressed.

The newbie has recently moved here from Wyoming at God’s direction but with no friends and no job; I have no idea how he arrived at Horizon; but that is true of most people.  In personality and interests, I can definitely see some similarities; but he is a full 11 years my younger and I refuse to think myself a COUGAR, so friends seems like the best path.

A week later we seem to acquire the same general space at the Super Bowl party among the singles group.  He is from Colorado so the Broncos are his pick for the evening, while I am rooting for the Seahawks more in regional support than a TRUE die hard fan (born and raised a 49er fan). Even before the game began, we are talking about life, unemployment, Portland, Wyoming, etc.  I make a crack about the red head he is searching for, and he brings up the KISS Dating Goodbye book.  With sarcastic disdain and witty comments galore about how it ruined his good dating years in the Christian community and I INSTANTLY feel like I have a NEW besty.  We discuss the finer points of its colossal misguided attempt to help Christian singles and the WHOLE idea of masculinity in American culture and how the church has adopted this belief hook line and sinker. I make my usual comment about how we single people did it to ourselves by telling all the married people to stop meddling, setting us up, and having parties where we are invited without a partner.

At which point, I must bring up my favorite counter measure to that book which is Henry Cloud’s How to get a date worth keeping and discussing its finer points.  It was a great discussion; only to have a few people around the room agree and disagree with us as we seemed to have our own discussion with an audience. As usual, I blow off any contrary opinions believing their experiences to be the exception and not the rule.

I tried to keep my sarcastic comments about how badly the Broncos were playing, but they did it to themselves.  We laughed at a spattering of commercials and made comments in and among the plays.  At one point, I noticed we were both leaning toward each other on the OVER stuffed chair arm; which caught me off guard a bit because it was totally unconscious (at least for me). No fear, no paranoia, no uncomfortableness, no wondering what this meant, it just was.  Reminds me of the friendships I had back at Sunnyside with all the guy friends, we were just comfortable around each other and openly discussed life, God, the world, etc.  Oh how I miss those friendships, although not romantic in anyway; the ability to discuss, debate, and share life was AWESOME.

So I got to leave the Super Bowl party full of energy and a refreshed spirit like I have not experienced in a LONG LONG time.  And although the comedian was present during the 2nd half we still did not converse, only having a brief comedic exchange about the game.