You did this to Me…

… and other things you didn’t realize your parents did to you.

Now don’t get me wrong, I understand they did the best they could and I do not believe my parents were EVIL or anything.  But let’s just say I can hear the voice of Yoda as I type, “The dysfunction is strong with this one…”  Especially my family.

But this post has a very specific INCIDENT to which I want to address.  I FINALLY get those PINK Shoes out of the box and onto my feet to try them out for a few hours.  I am visiting my Dad and feel the need to IMPRESS him with the Newness and BRIGHTNESS of my PINK SHOES; because there is still a part of the little girl in me who wants his validation and the REACTION that a good story USUALLY generates.  So I raise my FEET and announce the presence of my NEW SHOES.  Aren’t They BRIGHT??? Aren’t they cool?? Here are all the reasons I needed them… I DID not mentioned a SINGLE word about RUNNING or the 5K idea that had begun to marinate in my head.  The purpose of the Shoes were JUST to be comfortable for WALKING more. After ALL I needed to do better with my Fitbit Steps.

Somewhere before I had EVEN gotten to the punch line of my story, my dad interrupts with his commentary on RUNNING: “I don’t get runners.  Have you EVER met a happy runner?  I mean look at them they ALWAYS look MISERABLE, Unhappy.  I’ve never met a happy runner.”

AND THERE IT IS SPORTS FANS… the seed to the root of my dislike of running.  HOW is it that ONE parents perception, belief, or joke about an activity can root itself so far down deep into their child’s psyche as to generate a subconscious belief they cling to with ABSOLUTE CERTAINTY.  Now don’t get me wrong, I didn’t like running the mile in Jr High (who did) and by the time I hit High School I couldn’t do the sports I wanted, why would I entertain the thought of running something that was supposed to make me feel miserable.

As soon as he made that joke about the unhappy runner, I heard my inner WOMAN scream, “YOU DID THIS TO ME!!!!” Just like Bill Cosby’s wife says in his comedy routine about her giving birth to their first child.  So I sit there through the rest of my visit and most of my ride home with a new-found sense of identity.  Mostly entertaining a lot of questions, “Who said you can’t run?  Why not do the Couch to 5K?  What could it hurt?  Why not try something else NEW again?  What have you got to lose?  Hasn’t your Dad been wrong about MOST things in life?”  Pretty Much.

So with this new-found realization about my avoidance of running, I begin anew a rebellion against the beliefs of my father. Deconstructing the belief systems I have always had, replacing them with New things.  Taking the bucket list to a whole new dimension, instead of doing things I have always wanted to but haven’t yet; doing things I have always thought I could NEVER do.  Sometimes I don’t know the reason behind the belief I couldn’t do something, but doing them none-the-less.

So November 2nd began my Couch to 5K training.  I got out on the track, in the PINK shoes and completed my first workout.  Having an app and a plan and a GPS and music and a track near by has made this EMOTIONAL first step easier than feared.  But don’t get me wrong, THERE WAS FEAR.  I have been OVERWHELMED by the internal warnings of my fearful lymbic system, “What if it’s locked?  What if you’re not suppose to use it? What if you look stupid?  What if there are people there that laugh and point?  What if your too cold, too hot? What if it starts raining?  What if it’s too hard?  What if it hurts?” and on and ON. I hear it, and push past it, like a determined healthy shopper pushes past all those COSTCO vendors begging you to try a sample of their fried food.  And I made it to the parking lot, I made it to the track, I made it around once, I jogged each interval my app said to do, and I made it through the cool down to complete 35min.

SO THERE DAD!!!! I may not have looked happy while I was doing it; I may have been SCARED out of my mind to TRY IT; I maybe have even looked COMPLETELY out-of-place by the 2 guys doing their own track workout; BUT I DID it.  I ran and finished.  There is nothing and NO ONE saying I can’t do it but me…  And I’m not saying that EVER EVER AGAIN!!!


New Year’s Eve – The Comedian has arrived

As I waited around trying to decide what to do with my New Years Eve the time was slowly ticking away. I don’t get a lot of invitations, but there is a regular standing event with the Singles group. And some how I just wasn’t in the mood to go, but the little voice in my head kept saying… You should go. And as much as I argued that I didn’t want to go, it was insistent. “You like the goals part” it would said, “you should go.”

So in an attempt to appease the voice, not because I believed anything good would come from it, I got ready to go. I decided to pull out the cute new jeans I had purchased a few months ago, but had not quite found the right event to wear them. So I tore off the new tags and added a sparkly shirt and called it good. Well maybe I also did a little curling of the hair and a dash of lipstick. I mean it was New Years Eve after all and there MIGHT be single guys. But I wasn’t holding my breath.

I arrive and find myself a seat next to my trusted friend Miss D just to take up space and wait for the goals time. I didn’t eat or socialize or really notice who was around. And leave it to Lisa to create a game and divide us into teams. It was a form of pictionary based on the New Years Eve theme. I wasn’t even really thinking, I wasn’t even trying, I wasn’t even really paying attention. But I like to win, I like to beat other people, so YES I am just a little competitive.

It was a pretty amazing game because with almost every clue I guessed the item within 30seconds. That was all except for the one guy who was attempting to draw a table of appetizers and all I saw was buffet, potluck, dinner, lunch, etc etc. Not a clue. It was in that one miss that we lost to the other team. But what seemed to attract my attention was the fact that he was truly amazed at my ability to guess. He was giving me high five’s and showering me with praises at my ability to figure it out. IT was a little confusing and almost contrary to everything I was feeling, but I decided to just GO with it.

So we get to the goals section where I get to see what I wrote down last year or was it the year before. It is what I expected, as I managed to move myself into the deep thoughts moment I was searching for, I wrote my goals for this new 2014 year. Not as many and a few way more specifically defined. Continuing on with the hard work and effort I have been making. I feel someone loitering over my shoulder but I allow them to stay there and I am almost not even trying to hide what I have written because I am not ashamed or even apologetic when it comes to the things I want to change about myself.

As I finish up and wander to the center of the room to drop off the tiny piece of paper in the sacred bucket (to be read next year); I feel a friends hand on my shoulder. “Don’t move for just a moment” I hear. It is the lovely Miss K proceeding to pull a sticker off the back of my pants. THE SIZE STICKER I realize!!!!! THAT GIANT LONG strip of plastic all the way down my butt and my thigh. I feel the hottest of moments of embarrassment and struggle to not allow myself to meltdown internally because of this one little instance. As I was about to return to my seat thanking Miss K for TAKING care of me, I hear this VOICE from across the room.

“IT WAS ME I SAW IT! I WAS THE ONE!” While I am totally perplexed at the moment with how to react and how to feel and how to respond. I some how manage to joking throw out there, “Thanks for looking out.” And mosey my way across the room back to my seat. Now I had done it. I had exposed myself to a HORRIFICALLY embarrassing experience right HERE and I didn’t even want to BE HERE. I fight tooth and nail with my psyche to NOT let it get THAT bad, to not DWELL on my crazy, to NOT spiral out of complete control from the moments of joy and fun I WAS truly having.

Then I started to question WHY would you do that? Why would you draw attention to yourself like that? Why would you want this perfectly nice stranger to KNOW it was YOU who detected this fatal flaw in her wardrobe? What could you possibly have to gain? ANd it was in that moment the BEST POSSIBLE REVELATION FLASHED through my mind.

He was looking at my Ass!!! He was checking me out? Oh MY Goodness!!! Now That is what that feels like. Now this is something I could get use to, sticker or not. The attention seeking, quiet funny, generously kind, cleverly creative, appetizer guy wanted MY attention on HIM even if it was for an embarrassing sticker. Everyone I’d like you to me The Comedian.