Is it amazing how one conversation with a Parent can change your ENTIRE perspective on the voices in your head? I am currently in the never-ending debate between RENT or BUY. I am not completely out of debt, but I am tired of moving, I am tired of sharing, and I am tired of getting 30-60 notices because someone wants to sell their HOUSE (that I am living in). So I am kicking around the idea. There are pros… there are cons… There is going to be money spent EITHER way. But I started to get excited about the prospect of actually buying something… for ME. NOW MIND YOU… I did say JUST getting excited about the prospect. I haven’t looked at anything in person, I haven’t applied for loan approval, I am simply toying around the idea in my head like a young girl shopping for a new dress before the first day of school. Does it fit? Do I REALLY like this color? Do I have the right shoes to go with it? Does it make my butt look too big? But I digress….
When I shared just a fraction of a comment with my father about looking at buying a home; and without warning, without fail, without so much as a consideration I get THAT LOOK and those CAUTIONARY words that should seem so harmless, “…a house can be a burden, you have to take care of the yard, you don’t want to have to mow a yard do you? If something breaks your responsible…” There must have been something on my face or maybe it was the way I started defending the fact that I LIKE MOWING THE LAWN (thanks to Dan’s gift of a faithful lawnmower) and working in the garden (and I Know how to hire a gardener). When the all too late, but ever so vigilant retraction, “It’s not that I want to be negative….” BUT that’s EXACTLY what he was doing. Raining on the parade, I wasn’t even HAVING YET!!!
And in the time it took me to drive home, I started to piece together years and years of conversations. Phrase after Phrase of precautions, warnings, potential pitfalls that swarmed around my brain like pollen in the spring time. Each and every phrase generating worry, doubt, fear, which then snowball into DISASTER!!! Yes I am a smidge dramatic, but then again so is my brain. So these little comments that on paper could seem harmless and inconsequential start to completely derail me from a mere idea of something.
This is when I REALIZE… This is where they came from… This is the source of their existence… It is his comments throughout my life that have shaped a certain amount of how I do things almost out of habit. Here I thought it was just my High – C, practical, fearful personality that was the creator of my cautiousness. Here in living color and familial discussions, did I discover a significant piece of my WORRY. I didn’t use to think I worried, I didn’t think I was fearful, I didn’t think I was holding myself back. But in the last couple years, I have been seeing my life in a new light and there is Fear there I think… Worry… & trust issues. I thought I was applying practical caution as someone who needs to take into consideration all the options before making a decision-that is going to be wrought with negative out comes anyway-but responsible well thought out decisions none-the-less.
But here it was, for the first time LOUD and CLEAR a part of what is holding me back. The voice in my head giving me all the things to worry about before I even try. I have seen the failure before I attempted, I FELT the rejection before I opened my mouth, I experienced the AGONY of defeat without the rewards of beginning the challenge.
So it is in this revelation that I propose a new perspective, a new voice per say: I am stronger than that, I am better than that, I am done lying low, I don’t need to play it safe, I am finished waiting to see, I am ready for a challenge, I can endure anything. Well, almost anything, after all I don’t want to get my new dress dirty. 😉