Was received as both a compliment and a contradiction quite some time ago. But this statement likes to make a reappearance in my brain from time to time to remind me it was said. To fill my emotions with the security I felt the day it was mentioned. To almost tawnt me into the ring of life with an “are you chicken?” kind of tone. I know there are times I exhibit strength. I know there are times I have been stronger than others. I know I have pushed through certain types of pain that would melt the average individual. But all this pales in comparison to the massive list, I have in my mind of the times I have been anything but strong. Where I have been weak, weaker, the weakest. I give in to what others want, I sacrifice a dream because of fear, I look the other way because I don’t want the hassle, or I am afraid of what people will say or think of my choice. So in the picture of the tipping scales, most of the time, I do not SEE myself as STRONG. So when I come face to face with one of my battles, I hear the second part of the conversation:
“…Are you going to let THIS define you? Are you going to let this one thing defeat you? This is nothing, this is minor, this is such a minute part of life; I cannot believe for an instant you are not strong enough to overcome it, defeat it, master it.”
And there is was… a statement of BELIEF in who I am as a person. A statement that reminded me of how much BIGGER and HUGER I have made this whole food, exercise, weight issue in my life. Why isn’t this as straight forward as every other challenge I have undertaken? Why has this habit, lifestyle, perspective taken up sacred untouchable territory in my subconscious?
For me it is simple… because I allow it. I have decided that there are enough excuses, reasons, allowances for me to be this way, eat this way, live this way that it is OK to given in, give up, throw in the towel at a moments amount of pain. People will understand, its okay, sometimes its just too hard, life just can’t always be won. Everyone has something they struggle with. But I must say I am tired of this being MY THING… I am ready for a new challenge. I am ready for God to reveal to me something ELSE in my character I can master and correct and improve. So no more excuses, no more permission, no more reasons it is acceptable to give in.
Make decisions now for the outcomes you want later. So I am making decisions now that will give me the outcome later… In the center of my decision making process is the fear of pain, embarrassment, rejection, humiliation. And I have determined that it is better to hide behind the physical boundary of weight than to deal with the world without it. I heal my pain with food, I reward my pleasure center with food, I hide away in my room away from life and activity for fear of the pain mistakes bring, judgement holds, and life distributes. But that is not the life I want, that is not the life I can have, that is not the life I am meant to experience.
Only one way to change direction… change actions. It is time to build character, strength training for the soul, kick that belief out of command central of my feelings, and do things that hurt. Do things that will stretch my heart, mind, & soul to new places. I’ve tried easy, I’ve tried grace, I’ve tried one step at a time; but now its time to take command of my life. Tell my inner self it’s time to get in line soldier… because we are going to the high places, we are going to change our name, we are going to do as the Shepherd says because the time of living as Much Afraid is over…