I reconnected with a friend of mine over a year ago and while we were at coffee he was retelling a story from an afternoon conversation we had in my back yard oh so LONG ago. He spoke of my incredible faith and the confidence in which I spoke it. The conversation was about worry and the future and what to do about both. He says my response stays with him still today, “If I lose my job, God will provide another. If I can’t teach anymore, God will show me what is next.” Simple, confident and full of zeal those words seemed to me. So contrary to where I was in my life at this time, I asked him if he was sure that was me? I mean there were a lot of Christina’s in the group back then, “Are you sure that was me?” He was POSITIVE he promised, that it was me. He even gave detailed account of where we were sitting and the sunshine day that it was.
Even though I politely, accepted his recount of the events; I still drove away thinking, “That couldn’t have been me. I am sure he must have been talking with that other Christina. That just doesn’t sound like me. It doesn’t sound like words I would say. It definitely could not have been how I was feeling, because I don’t ever remember feeling that certain about anything.”
As I retold the story to a few of my friends who still knew me from back then, one dear friend reminded me, “Yes that sounds like you. Yes that is something you would have said back then. I remember how you talked to us about God and life and everything. Yes that was something you would have said.” So here I was in quite the quandary. I believed I had a very good grasp on my memories of things: me, places, people, ideas, etc. But now I was having to try to reconcile my memories with his AND her memories of me. I would have NEVER dreamed my idea of the past would be so different from others.
This started to remind me of how much my life had changed from those days. How when I moved to Seattle my world fell apart: my “family” went away, I experienced the “crisis of faith”, my friends disappeared, the confidence I once oozed out of my pores had evaporated from my soul, and I couldn’t build new real friendships in this strange silly place. Who would have thought a simple move 3 hours north of my whole WORLD, would have brought such chaos and disaster into my emotional, social, spiritual, and physical life. But it did. And the consequences are still ever-present in my life today.
As I was leaving that meeting with my friend I took a quick inventory of my life: relationship with God, Faith, Church, and the like and it was immediately clear to me, “I am never going to get back there.” Back to that place where I had that faith and confidence in God like I use to. That my WHOLE spiritual life would never return to a simpler, safer, securer time as I had back then.
Then I signed up for CAMP – Royal Family Kids Camp – Tualatin. The details and background on this are soon to come, but fast forwarding to a week after camp and I am talking with a friend on the phone. And it happens, right there as natural as it was 15 years ago. The statement of faith… “If that happens then God will just have to take care of the details.” And in a moment I was transported back in time to a place I had lost. And through the shame, guilt, sadness, hurt, and despair, I had returned back to a confident place of faith that I thought was gone FOREVER. And in that moment I realized that comment that was said so long ago… was me. And now in this next step and in this next moments, it IS ME.