The view we have looking at the events that have happened in life is spectacular. My memory is not perfect, but I do remember details, pictures, situations. And with this memory I have the ability to judge, evaluate, and cast an opinion about why or how come I did what I did. So as I sit today, I can look over the last 10 months and realize I got off track. I forgot who I was living for and why. I got distracted by a boy who liked me and wanted to be in my life in every way. Ironically, just like I had always wanted and just like I had been asking God to provide for me for years. But upon looking back at that time period that he was in my life, I can see how out of touch with God I had become. How my life became chaotic and confusing, full of noise and distraction. How I could not hear my own self think let alone hear God’s still small voice?
But in the last 5 weeks, my life has seen a dramatic change. With his exit from my daily life, I have returned to a place I like: a place of peace. Life still exists and whirls around me at a lightning pace. I am still traveling for work, going to church, attending friend’s weddings, and attempting to find time to do laundry. But my mind is at peace and my heart is at rest. My time spent at CAMP was a HUGE part of getting me here. So as I returned home to continue my life anew, I found this blog post and believed it was worth a re-visit.
After a few dreams and visions of God in my mind’s eye, I started to wonder what it would be like to have Jesus as my actual constant companion. Having him actually walk with me to face every situation I encountered. The ever-present wingman and advocate. No matter what I was facing: boys, bars, my boss, unemployment, emotions, conflict, isolation, confusion, conflict, uncertainty, or lose. It brought me heart-felt comfort to think of him with me and a remembering of how much I missed his companionship. I saw him in various places in my life, where he had been there as a source comfort and courage in the past, but was wondering if he could be there in my life, again. As I began to embrace these thoughts and images, the more real and alive he became. He was no longer just an image in a painting, he was no longer just a good idea, or the concept of man who once was. There have even been moments I see him sitting in the passenger seat of my car, there to keep me company, provide support, and even instill that extra ounce of courage when I start to feel insecure.
A friend of mine once shared with me a perfect illustration of what can happen over time. He shared that often times (most of the time) we as Christians, get busy doing what we think we are supposed to do. We rush into situations, run fast into the doing of life, and running of ministries or pushing ourselves into a busy frenzied; but then on Sunday mornings or on those times when we feel the most in despair we cry out, “OH GOD where are you? What is your Will? What do you want me to do here I am so confused and nothing feels right.” And it is in those moments when we need to stop and look around. Look at where we are and find out where is Christ. And if we are alone, confused, in chaos, or depressed it is likely that we have we gotten so excited about our own ideas and plans that we have literally ran to those THINGS and RAN RIGHT PAST CHRIST. He was standing barely one or two steps in front of where we were and asked us to join him, but we got so caught up in what we saw ahead of us we just ran straight ahead to the goal. We saw what we could do with this little idea or suggestion and RAN with it to what WE believed was the end goal. But if we would just stop, sit, spend time, ask questions, and listen to his voice; we might realize all we are to do is one little thing. One simple task, one step at a time, one serving moment, one gesture of good will not fill our lives with OBLIGATIONS and DUTIES. And by taking the one step and not the 23 steps to the ACCOMPLISHMENT, we would allow him to help us in our struggle, stress, fears, and feelings because he would be right there WITH us, in the place he wanted us.
With my do, make, create, accomplish, fix personality and over-compensating behaviors; it is so easy for me to get lost in my own plans and my own desires. But after hearing this idea, I am trying to continually ask where is Jesus? Is he by my side, am I spending the time with him to ask my every move questions? Or am I so wrapped up in my own plans and purposes that I am in stress, chaos, drama, distress, and depression. So in my mind, it has been so helpful to imagine him as a real person sitting with me, standing next to me, and at times hugging me as I ponder my purpose and position in life. He really has become more of a companion, than just a bible story, ancient historical figure, or future figure-head. There are times I still get lost, distracted, and am out there by myself; but my hope is that I will remember how his life, touch, comfort, and courage can resolve much more than my knowledge, skills, and experience can ever do.