So I have been struggling to blog for months and months. It is mostly because the things that have been filling my mind have all been focused around a specific person. And with every thought and every idea that seemed to enter my mind I couldn’t write it out here in the Public forum. I had been so convinced in the past that I could handle being honest in any circumstances in any environment; but I was wrong. I found that moment in time when I could not just write what I was feeling because I knew that a certain person out there wouldn’ t like it.
There are so many things and so many stories I cannot even begin to catch up on the things that have happened.
I’m angry… I am so completely angry that I have to explain myself. That I have to sit here and allow these attacking thoughts to my self-esteem, character, integrity, and life with no defense. Even now I can’t seem to type one sentence at a time. The thoughts are muddy and cloudy and confusing. Just as I grab on to one to put it on paper it escapes and runs for cover. I enjoyed so much this medium of writing what I think and thinking what I write, but it is such a struggle now just to write to connecting thoughts.
So I have an appointment with a new counselor at the End of July. I am filling out the paperwork and trying to decide what do I want to talk about? What do I want to focus on and work on? It almost seems like because Ted (no not a real name) always talks about counseling and what my counselor will say and what I need to talk to my counselor about that I am already posturing myself to do battle with a woman I haven’t even met yet.
There is a part of me that wants to defend my life, defend my experience, and defend my life philosophy about friends, community, and relationships. I know there are things I haven’t figured out, I know there are things I need to learn, but this whole experience with Ted has really gotten me to question whether or not I am connected with reality or not. Why is it like this? Why am I confronted with this conflict internally all because someone said I am wrong.
Fast forward to today… And without further Adieu I am back. The people in my life are important. I need to be careful who I allow into my sphere of influence because Ted was just a continual conversation focused on every little detail of me that was wrong, imperfect, unloving, inappropriate, ungodly, and out of touch. And that doesn’t matter. That stuff is who I AM. I need to make no apologies for the character and creation I have become. I am only to BE the Woman that is living this life, trying to figure things out. And yes there will be people who don’t get that, but that doesn’t matter. They can NOT understand it all they want, it shouldn’t change who I am and who I am striving to become.
Therefore, with new wisdom, support, resolve, and determination I return back to my process of old, my blogging of the thoughts that appear in my mind and on my heart. Knowing and BELIEVING there is a community of friends out there who wants me and a man who will love and ACCEPT me… with all my flaws, fables, fantastical wishes, and fantastic ideas.