Begins a quote from one of my favorite movies of all time. Not because it is a romance with all the GOOSHY ICKY girlie feelings in it, but because it tells an incredible story. And in that story there are some of the finest quotes ever spoken, bit dramatic, well just remember who the writer of the blog is. Yet as I continue my ever so slow read through “The Shack” I am finding that there are certain pieces of perspective that are triggering parts of my own world view. And this day it was the “Here come Da Judge” chapter.
In this season of life, I am struggling with meeting new people, believing their input, trusting the sincerity, and leaning on them for support. Now each of these things are at different levels of relationship (I understand), but my heart’s goal is to have true community and be able to lean on people for support. In turn also be there to provide support emotionally, physically, and financially as much as I can. So at times the first thing is completely bogging down the ability to accomplish the end goal. For some reason the ability to just relax and enjoy the newness of a potential friendship is clouded by the fear of OH SO MANY THINGS. So in my giant list of REASONS why I do not step out and reach out and initiate just the simplest of HI how are you? There is this paralyzing wave that over takes me and I am beyond my normal strength to break through it.
When reading today it occurred me the part that what I fear is the pain. The potential pain or the fear or experiencing the SAME pain I have in the past. I worry that these people will do all those things I fear: laugh at me, reject me, ignore me, humiliate me, make fun of me, and yes most importantly LAUGH at me for trying. Then even deeper is the thought what if these people cannot be trusted? What if I put in all this effort and energy and they hurt me ANYWAY? What if I believe this is real genuine heartfelt honest to goodness friendship and they abandon me, again. Again… What a word that is… and it of course launches me into a whole new pile of analysis. But that one is the heart of this posting ANYWAY.
Again… Abandoned again… Left Alone again… Even harsher Hurt again… Ignored Again… Rejected Again… Humiliated AGAIN… All of these phrases take me to memories in my head that are specific to some of the most painful, hurtful times in my life. But amazingly enough these people (most of them) were and are my friends. The ones at the time I trusted, leaned on, relied on, opened up my deepest of worries and concerns… but they still hurt me. Not on purpose, not with malicious intent, not to inflict harm. Yet they hurt me.
Just recently I had a situation with some of my nearest and dearest friends (at least so my emotions would tell me) and I feel like I trust them with so many parts of my life and soul. But our exchange was hurtful, their advice biting, and their understanding of my dilemma was completely absent. Instead I experienced judgement, criticism, unwarranted advice, and condemnation. It confused my heart, it baffled my emotions, and left me feeling completely depressed and disoriented.
With that episode firmly lodged in my recent memory, I was confronted with an ugly truth. They will always hurt you, they will always disappoint you, they will always come up short. So if my friends that I trust and believe in will, can, and DO hurt me… how is that any different than the strangers I am so afraid of meeting. How is my perspective in trying to start something new so scary and insurmountable because they can’t be trusted, when really truly no one can be trusted not to hurt me.
That is not how this world operates, that is not a reasonable expectation in this fallen world of selfish people… myself included. The next thing in realizing that life is pain, highness is to attempt to remedy life inside a world of pain. How then does someone walk through this life with reasonable expectation of being hurt, but not allowing it to destroy them or deflate them? How do I embrace the knowledge that pain is coming without being paralyzed by the fear of its coming?