In an effort to clean out my Drafts folder, I stumbled across this heart wretching, gut-stretching entry that should just be shared. I feel it some days and not others, but it is not ALL that far away from my thoughts…
This week (July 2nd) overall has been nothing but frustrations and bits of depression. I have been striving and struggling to do what’s right with food, and with money, and I am failing over and over and over again. Its been a year since I started the MF plan but I wanted to hit 100lbs or stay on it for 1 year. but neither one happened. So even though I have lost 75lbs and 22% of my body weight, I still feel like a failure. The success does not ooooooze out of my pores like I want.
People at work have said I’m an inspiration. They say how good I’ve done and how amazing I look. It was truly a moment of DIVINE pleasure to have one of the warehousemen at work, come up to me in the coffee room and say in hushed tones, Have you lost some weight? Such care and respect taken on a topic that MOST WISE men know you do not broach without the utmost caution. But he is a former trainee of mine (former because now he does his job without me) at our company-so he likes me as a person. I was so honored that he took that risk and spoke out and followed it up with, I wasn’t sure if I should say something, but you are looking really REALLY good. Good job! This stated after I confirmed – yes I had lost 80 lbs in the last year.
So why can’t I see it. OR more importantly why can’t I feel it. I mean I know the energy I have, I know the clothes are fitting better, I know the spring in my step with confidence. But all these LOGICAL thoughts go out the window with one thought of french fries, taco bell taco’s, or PIIIIIZZZZAAAA!!! I seem to only want the thing I have just imagined. And I lose sight of everything else, and I think I have not made ANY steps forward at all.
Maybe it’s because I still see the fat, I still see the purging well actually bingeing behaviors; those times when I feel out of control and hopeless. That moment when I eat til it hurts, but keep going… moving from one food to another. SO desperately trying to fill myself with something that will satisfy, make me happy, and make me content, satiate the hunger in the deepest part of me. I am alone and my only friend that is reliable, unfailing, consistent to me is food. Why does this issue of food have to be so integrated with my feelings? Why can’t it just be one of those things I make physical behavioral changes to and I see the results? Why is it there are people who do the plan, stay on the plan, and just make the change without such a struggle and fight? Yet I have this struggle on a constant basis it seems.
The good news is that I still have hope. Tonight (Nov 1) my health coach brought in a 50lb bag of sand and gave us each an opportunity to hold it. Now I have lugged around a lot of heavy things before, but this bag was actually amazingly heavy. He wanted us to imagine what it was like 50lbs ago… meaning back when we weighed at least 50lbs more. Now I am at 80lbs lost since July 2009, and there is just something to realizing how much more weight I was carrying around. So how do I get that image in my mind on a regular basis, to remind myself that every bite I put in my mouth has long-term effects.
That for now in this time I need to follow the plan and the sand will slowly fall aside and away from me. 🙂 Hmm what an interesting visual, instead of melting fat, or pounds; imagine the effortless motion of shaking off sand. Just like returning from the beach and shaking off the excess sand. So now I just need to remember that each day is just like shaking off a little sand.