The List – All that Being Said

Here I am in the midst of a new group with lots of singles and I am finding myself being BOY CRAZY AGAIN!!!

The mental massage reminded me that just because there are options doesn’t mean its the right time or that I AM READY.  So now here I am with a wanting to date, feeling that God should bring this along NOW!  I mean after all I’ve waited so long , it must be time BY NOW!!!!!

Then Tesha reminded me that I am impatient, like ALWAYS!  I get something in my mind and I want to DO IT, HAVE IT, MAKE IT NOW!!! So I was sitting in church Sunday and through the singing I began to see Jesus alive and real again my mind’s eye.  So with Christ as my companion and true comforter of my soul and FEEELINGS; How do I treat all these new men in my life as just my brothers?  How do I look at them as friends and just trust that God will make clear to me the steps I am to take and the depth of relationship I am supposed to have?  How do I balance the openness to dates, but not being consumed with the want to have something, someone going on all the time?

I mean I know how to be just friends, I know how to not interact in a liking/dating manner; that has been EASY for me for YEARS and YEARS. 

Why now is it so different?  Because I want more and of course I want more NOW!!! Anyone noticing the theme in my capitals today?  I mean I can’t seem to use the word NOW without putting it in capitals these days. 

Yet I must remind myself almost daily that I am not ready.  There are still a few MASSIVE areas of unhealth I have not gained control over; and regardless of the chronological number on my age today (38 just for the record), I need to exhibit and practice the same amount of patience I needed to use back when I was 23 – the year I could have SWORN I was supposed to get married (silly favorite number).  This patience virtue isn’t all it’s cracked up to be and besides, just when one thinks they have it in practice and in control in one area of life… IT sneaks up to SURPRISE you in another area.  DRAT!!!

I made a commitment years and years ago to attempt to go an entire year without thinking about boys and dating and possibilities and the like; yes I failed miserably.  But it was a mental and soul-focused battle at every turn and I NEVER gave up TRYING to remove this from my thought life.  I have been considering taking up this challenge again.  Some where in my thoughts about God’s changes in my life so far,  I see 1 year to finish this current work (could be wrong, but some how 1 year seems on target); so if I partner this mental focus like I did years ago – it could help me develop that patience I have been so desperately looking for. 

With or without the thought life component, I know I need to not be searching out a date around every corner.  I need to not try to make something happen with new guys in my life.  I need to not make a determination about whether a guy is in the friend zone or not; but just to get to know them as brothers and that is it.  Let that be the most important thing. 

Because if I look back to some of my most exciting times in life, it was when I was part of the college age/singles group surrounded by dozens of people who cared about me.  And in those times I had the best relationships with the guys in the group – not because I dated ANY of them – but because we were like family; and they were my brothers. 

I need to remember this and build that in my mind this time as well.  Besides I love surprises ANYWAY.  The only way to be surprised is to not see something coming, right?

  • He should be able to surprise me with phone calls, cards, LITTLE some things, flowers, words of love, encouragement, or praise, kisses, hugs when I least expect them just to show he cares and is thinking about me. 

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