The List – Undateable or Run?

There was a time before I left for college, before I wrote THE LIST, before I even really thought I knew even for a second what I might be looking for that I asked the STUPID question (that question wich SHOULD never be asked).  There were between 3-5 of my closest guy friends that I asked this questions in hopes I would get an honest answer.  But I didn’t quite realize at the time, how each person is so focused on their own needs and desires that it is really REALLY hard to get a non-biased logical answer to this question.  OH did I forget to mention the question? 

What makes me undateable?

I thought that because guys didn’t ask me out there must be something wrong with me.  Something I must be doing or not doing is keeping me from being even considered by the guys I know and even the guys I don’t know.  Since I was on my way to college (yes a 4-year school as a 25yr old – NO ADULT LEARNER JOKES), I wanted to be better prepared.  Thinking they could offer some insight into who I was as a person; that I didn’t already know.  Or at least tell me that fatal flaw that was causing men from far and wide to “kick me into friendzone” without so much as a first date.  With way too much useless information, I went off to college thinking that with this new information and a WHOLE new attitude of acting less like a BUDDY and more like a woman would produce different results.  Well SOMEWHERE in my head that strategy was a good one.

I changed how I did friendship, I attempted to be flirty, mysterious, fun, and girly thinking this would increase my chances.  Unfortunately, between the isolation I felt being 3.5 hours away from my support system and the stress of trying to pay for college on my own, no change in results.  Some how some way my brain has always shifted to the hypothesis, test, prove, results.  So when one hypothesis doesn’t deliver results, rewrite the hypothesis.  RIGHT? 

Then there was this beautiful scene from a move I love Love LOVE… He’s just not that into you.  Some how through a series of interactions the characters Gigi and Alex develop this friendship that is unique on-screen (but pretty common to me in real life).  He gives her honest and direct feedback about her dating process, especially when it comes to a guy’s interest in her.  In the midst of a date she needs his advice:

Gigi: Hey sorry to bug you again! Uh quick question.
Alex: What’s going on?
Gigi: Ok I’m making out with this guy, PG stuff. but he mentions he’s going out-of-town so he’s gonna be out of touch.
Alex: Run.
Gigi: But maybe he is going out-of-town.
Alex: To where? New Guinea? Where’s he gonna be that he’s gonna be out of touch?
Gigi: Opens bathroom door – Where are you going out-of-town to again?
Gigi: Pittsburgh
Alex: Run.
Gigi: So what now I’m just supposed to turn from every guy who doesn’t like me?
Alex: Uh. Yeah!
Gigi: There’s not gonna be anybody left.

And there it is.  In a sweet unavoidable clear and succinct statement… if we don’t settle for what is in front of us there won’t be anybody left.  So much of that line hit me in the pit of my stomach and made me pay attention to how much that was true in my own thinking.  I honestly have been believing that I need to settle for what is around because I have lost hope that I can find or deserve better. 

I mean after all if I run from every guy who doens’t like me… There really won’t be anybody left… right? I mean so far I’m still single so that hypothesis must be true; or do I need more testing?

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One thought on “The List – Undateable or Run?

  1. Ernest says:

    Not entirely sure why, but I have to say that I am most attracted to women who enjoy life and don’t seem to HAVE to have a guy, but still enjoy having them around. It’s probably why I don’t care for dogs as much as cats. Cats show that they appreciate affection when its offered but don’t chase after it constantly. Of course there are the times when they do want it, the signals are clear… I understand cats.

    So, too, in my relationships with humans (women being a significant subset of this category… ), I like to have clarity (and a little levity). I suppose it really means I’m too simple-minded to play the guessing game when it comes to relationships.

    With regard to your post, it relates like this: in the situation where the friend said ‘run’ it shows a level of self-respect. One of two things will happen: the truly disinterested person will disappear; but then something amazing happens in other cases… sometimes the guy that SEEMED disinterested comes back with a different attitude once he discovers that this woman actually has self-respect enough to give him space when he needs it. Of course now he will have to work to get back in her good graces… but what guy doesn’t like a challenge once in a while?

    But I actually don’t think of it as running. It’s more like a dance. The partners may pull away from each other at different points during the dance, and it may even seem to be for good … but then there is a returning to each other if there is a mutual desire to do so.

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