I finished the book Tabi & Hailey recommended to me Never the Bride, a cute Christian fiction book with a good healthy SLAP up side the side of almost every Christian woman’s head in an attempt to remind us: Wait for God’s perfect plan message. I haven’t quite let all the portions of it sink in. There were many mixes of messages about: obeying, spending time, having faith, not letting yourself destroy that which God plans… Along with some classically graciously humiliating moments for the heroine in situations I can almost picture myself in. Well maybe it is Tabi I picture, but that seems almost close enough. 🙂 Yet it ends with a seemingly cheesy almost beyond perfect ending (I did say this was a Christian fiction book RIGHT?)
At this stage of life I truly don’t know if I believe it is possible. I don’t know if I believe that a happy end exists for me. I mean I believe I have great things ahead, and that there is great potential for my life and my voice and my teaching. But when it comes to the idea of a happy ending in the romance department… I just don’t see it, or more directly I don’t feel it.
I was reading on the plane ride and at times it felt dream like. But I also wondered if I trust God enough to make this happen for me. I mean so much she fought him (like me) and argued (like me) and disobeyed what he told her to do (so much like me)… She was not flat-out bratishly defiant toward God and his plans, yet she found herself in some very curious circumstances. I mean truly it surprises no one that my favorite character in Shakespeare is Katerina from Taming of the Shrew. Not the romance filled innocent Juliet, not the glamorous dedicated beauty Desdemona, not the cleverly conniving heiress Portia, but the stubborn rough intense rebel Katerina is the character that speaks to my soul.
So with that character as my heroine to the core of my soul, I just can’t see myself coming into the same type of sweet gracious accepting situation that his woman in the bride book arrived at. Somewhere in my attempting to just read the book and enjoy its story, I lost the believability that this was ever could ever happen to me, to anyone, in this world. Somewhere in the depth of that cute and funny story I heard the same thing again. That I don’t deserve to find someone good and whole and hot and sexy and strong and caring and christian and loving and healthy…
So my belief or my ability to believe that this story could one day even just a sliver of it come true is teeny tiny. I want to expect it but I know I don’t ask for it. I am just wishing and trying to be content with disappointment. Isn’t it amazing how a book that is meant to bring fun, joy, hope, desire, expectation, encouragement, and delight can have such a dramatically different result? Or could it be that I am over analyzing things again? Maybe? Just a smidge?