But when I imagine WHO I want to attract: the character, the looks (yes I’m a shallow single girl), the spirituality, the personality, and the charisma; then follow that up with my ability to carry those same strengths in my own life, I feel nothing but disappointment and failure. The response that comes screaming to mind: I will never be that good. What a sad and depressing statement that is. It sucks the hope of finding the one (I hate that expression by the way) out of it completely. It brings a truck load of despair that I am attempting an IMPOSSIBLE mission in believing for a minute I could even come CLOSE to what I have created in my head for my spouse.
And it is in those hopeless despondent thoughts that I believe I must settle. That I can’t like who I want to, I am resolved to only like the guys that first like me. Because otherwise it is a waste of time and waste of energy. I mean after all I have had crushes, attractions, infatuations, and interests for decades and not one of them have ever liked me back. I’ve liked guys cuz they like me. I’ve been interested in guys when I see they are interested or curious about me; but it has never seemed to been the situation where my interest or genuinely heart attraction to someone has ever been reciprocated. (I’m not searching out pity in this – it is just a statement of my perceptive fact to communicate more clearly why I do what I do NOW.)
At this point, I struggle to forgive my past, I struggle to wait for my future, I struggle to know what’s right and what’s wrong, to know whose supposed to be in and whose supposed to be out of my life, and deciding what is healthy and unhealthy. On one hand, I see myself as attractive, funny, deep, caring, spiritual, mature, flexible, decisive, and committed… but most days I just see all the flaws, weaknesses, bad habits, and sins that are ever-present whether by choice or by nature they are part of me. Who would want to love that? Who would want to spend time with that? Who would commit a lifetime to dealing with that? And it is in those questions that my mind begins the death spiral to a place I hate to live: Lonely Village. It’s not a resort town with smiley hosts, it’s a Senior Community Center where once you’re in… your here to stay.
Since I see myself more often than not through the microscopic glasses that see all my flaws, weaknesses, and sins to up close and in detail, I can’t bring myself to believe I will find a guy that meets my needs, measures up to my list, or will make me really and TRULY happy. I don’t deserve it and I definitely do not attract it.
So a few years ago I realized I changed the game. At least I changed the mission in my head because I wanted different results. (It’s amazing how sometimes we just make subconscious changes because we think we are off track or losing in some way.) In a desperate effort to achieve different results – actually date, have a boyfriend, start that trip down together lane. I stopped trying to change myself into what I wanted to attract, because after all that has proven to be too hard. Nothing I have done has improved my status, my flaws are unavoidable, and I have NO HOPE of changing who I am let alone into the type of woman the guy I think I want would be attracted to.
Instead, because I always have a better plan than God, I have decided to like who I can get. I stopped believing that liking a guy mattered. Instead, I just be friends until I see interest in me. I don’t get all girly and wanting someone who will NEVER like me, I wait until a guy wants me. Then I like him back, because that is the only choice I have (which isn’t much of a choice I must say).
As much as I have been in opposition to the idea of settling, I think I just realized (amazing how writing certain things down gets your mind to realize – OH CRAP I have been doing ________), I have just made the biggest settling a person can make. I have been telling myself that I don’t have a choice in the matter because I can not control who a guy likes. But I really believe I have taken that innocent little idea and distorted it into a full-fledged dating philosophy. WOW… *deep sigh* personal revelation is depressing, agonizing, and freeing all at the same time… I think.