Dating is not about Marriage, WHAT?!?!?!?
There was this book, yes all good discussions start with there was this book: How to get a date worth keeping by Dr Henry Cloud. It had at least a dozen good points about patterns of behavior, being aware of your own shortcomings, and getting out there because the more rejections the better. But it really got my attention when I arrived in chapter 4 and this announcement was made by a Christian author no less and I was a bit confused and conflicted.
Here is just a sample of that chapter:
You just said we ought to date A LOT of people to learn and grow and all that stuff, but I really disagree. I don’t have time for that – says a woman at one of his seminars
What do you mean you don’t have time for that? – he responds
I don’t have time to waste on dating someone whom I couldn’t see myself marrying. If he doesn’t have the potential for a serious relationship that could lead to marriage, I don’t want to go out with him.
What’s your hurry?
Well, I’m forty-two, I’ve been married once before, and I want to be married again. I don’t have time to waste.
What’s your hurry?
I just don’t have time for all this dating. I only wan to go out with someone I could marry. Isn’t that the purpose of dating? To find a mate?
NO! NO! NO! NO! (He goes on to explain that she was in a hurry an don the hunt, which always means something. It also implies she sounded like she knew what she wanted and needed. Which he didn’t believe.)
After asking her a series of question, this was his summary:
So what you are telling me is that the last time you chose someone, it ended in disaster (divorce). And you have chosen no one since him (she confirmed this was true). So you have made one choice fora mate, and it was a bad choice. Isn’t it obvious that your “people picker” is broken? Now with no further experience dating, you think you are ready to make another lifetime commitment with the same people picker you use to pick the last one. No, No, No! You are not ready to date to find a mate. You obviously do not know what you need, what is good, and what is not good, and what your unhealthy patterns are. You are 0 for 1. The last thing you need is to date to find a mate. You need more than anyone to go out with many different kinds of men for a number of reasons.
Now I have not been married, nor have I been in any relationships that would be considered long term. But I do have the tendency to fall for or be attracted to manipulators and controlling personalities. With this new focus in my life to stop sitting around and NOT doing ANYTHING in the dating or meeting guys arena, I am beginning to have some of these worries arise again. What if my perception, ideals, wants (THE pure nature of the list) are all wrong? What if my people picker is broken? I mean how does one know if they have an accurate ability to pick a good man, boyfriend, fiance, husband instead of it just being about the SPARK?
One of my ALL time favorite movies (mostly because it has some of the best quotes on dating ever – not to mention me and my friend Amber were mentioned by name – ok almost), He’s just not that into you. The scene is set between two NOT dating people in a bar watching a hot chick and not so hot guy interact:
Boy: Now check out Droopy Dog (nice quiet guy) on the other side (of the hot woman). He’s gonna buy her drinks all night and she’s still gonna insist there’s no spark.
Girl: Maybe there’s not. You need a spark.
Boy: Oh, the spark thing is BS.
Girl: Enlighten me.
Boy: Guys invented the spark, so they could not call and treat you kind of badly and keep you guessing. Then convince you that; that anxiety and fear that just develops naturally was actually just a spark. And you guys all buy it. You eat it up and you love it. You love it because you feed off that drama. You all love that drama.
Girl: I don’t.
Boy: So you never wait until the last minute on a deadline or a phone bill because secretly you love the drama of not knowing whether or not you’re gonna make it?
That honest evaluation between FEELINGS and Reason, bland versus SPARK, regular life or drama filled existence is where I sometimes get lost between what I want and what I will end up with. Because dating in the past has ALWAYS been about the rush of my pulse, the stomach churning, and my chest tightening as I see a HOT guy cross my path. I mean that must be MUST be the indication that I’m attracted, right? But what if this is just my mind reacting to the potential drama? What if the guy I would pick based on the feelings and rush of emotions in the moment at the time is not going to provide a good, balanced, long-term guy for ME? How do I begin to tell the difference between genuine attraction and just the illusion that is the SPARK? Can I really trust my FEELINGS or my judgment to pick out the right one? What is a girl to do if she thinks her people picker is broken?