These battles between want and ought can be overwhelming. I want to do the right things: Not trash talk, not gossip, not sabotage, not retaliate. But it feels sooooo good to do ALL of those things when I feel wronged. When the justification is clear in my head. The scales should be balanced, and if someone is not punished for their actions then I must right the wrong.
Vik has done nothing but talk bad about me since he arrived in Texas. He is resistant toa ll things productive and he has made a very specific point to lie and put me down everyday. And it the amazing thing is having someone there at the location telling me all these things that are going on. I know Beth needs to vent, but as she is releasing her tension I seem to get more and more wound up about what I feel are injustices. Not to mention I feel completely let down my Joe who seems to be following Vik’s lead each step along the way.
Mark 11:24-25 – Therefore, I tell you: whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours… I ask for the truth to be known; that with everything that has happened with Vik and work that my boss will heat the truth. My hope is that the things I have worked so hard for will be preserved. I know in my heart that as the supervisor I did all I was supposed to do, but any problems were Vik caused and preventable if he had chosen to try.
When you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your father in heaven may forgive you your sins… I know it, but I forget to live it, practice it and move toward it sooner than later. Lord, I want to release myself from the bitterness that grows from forgiveness.
I wrote this about a year ago when I was in a desperate work situation that I couldn’t seem to remedy or repair. I was only 3 months into the food plan and was still letting every emotion control or influence me. But I know I am still battling the want with the ought. I want to do what is pure, wholesome, right, good, holy, righteous in God’s eyes, but the pressure from inside and out is so strong to satisfy that want of revenge or that want of retaliation.
I am not battling the same people or the same situations as last year, but I do know that the temptation to gossip, trash talk, put down, go around, manipulate, criticize, and teach a lesson are regular events in my work. I am getting better at recognizing the events before they occur, but the full on prevention of the behavior is not as good as I want. Sometimes I wonder why God created us with such strong emotions because he had to have known that we would not be strong enough to resist them. Is it just a certain personality type? Is it just one of weak will and vulnerable mind? How is one expected to make progress into that place of holiness when the weaknesses seem to arrive in the form of a flood or tidal wave… a form in which no reasonable man can resist?