For those of you who were not a BIG part of the Christian singles circles back in the 90’s, let me catch you up (this may be an older invention, but 93 ish was my first introduction to it): it was ALL the rage to create THE LIST. The list of characteristics and traits you wanted in a mate. If you could paint God a picture of what was important to you in a mate what would it be. Some people BOTH MEN AND WOMEN, became the masters of the novel when constructing their ideal spouses. Others simply bullet pointed out the top 10 things, which of course contained good-looking, serves JESUS (insert funny accent here), is trustworthy, sweet and sensitive, and MANY MANY other simple but not necessarily evil traits.
I personally rebelled (which is common) against this WHOLE notion of a list and just floated from one crush to the next. Because like almost EVERYTHING else I do in life it’s about how I FEEL. So why would romance, marriage, dating, and boys be any different than anything else? But mostly because I didn’t believe it was right to create a list of limitations for God to fit a guy into for me. After all why set myself up for disappointment or try to define what I need when I am not sure what I need ANY way.
The result of not creating a list: These feelings, from the crushes, were never reciprocated and I spent a decade with amazing friendships; but no dates.
YEARS after college I was finding myself floundering with no dates AND no friends (all because I tried to date instead of be buddies with guys – Some women can do that… Not this gal), but with a lot of hope and want. It also didn’t help any that I was doing a lot of (or trying to do) online dating. And inevitably the question would come up WHAT are YOU looking for in a guy? So I gave in and wrote THE LIST.
Now this didn’t seem to help me like everyone said it would. It even sparked a few guys to tell me my expectations and standards were too high; that guy doesn’t exist in the real world. The lovely effect that had to make me think I was bad at this whole LIST writing thing. Maybe I didn’t deserve the kind of guy I wanted. Maybe the types of guys I am interested in will just NEVER like me in return (more on those thoughts later). I EVEN got the ABSOLUTE bestest response to date after messaging my list over: “GOOD LUCK WITH THAT!” (User has left chat room). So years ago I boxed up the list or buried it deep in the bottom of the back up back up hard drive. I figured if God had some guy for me out there somewhere, then the guy was just gonna show up one day (with a fed ex package no doubt) without any effort or pressure from me: march straight over and ask me out; WOW me with his wit and humor as he seduced me; or just grab me and kiss me without word or warning. I know I know confessions of a silly girl.
As a result, I, like so many other not so wise single people before me, bought into the lie – If you just stop looking it will just happen… okay so that’s 10 years of my life I can’t get back. Of course, I didn’t realize that when they said stop LOOKING what they meant was stop HUNTING, I just stopped meeting people ALL together. I know I know All or Nothing thinking… yet AGAIN! Half the time I think its logical… I don’t realize I’m even doing it.
With a new season in my life, new people, new weight, new wants, new church, new drive, new passion I am ready to RENOVATE the list with a new up to date stainless steel look and feel. Because I guess I should make sure I know in my mind, what I want or think I want or think I need.
I know…. I KNOW… No details…. I have to go find the back up back up hard drive.