So with all these ideas and postings about trust shouldn’t it be my next logical step to actually explain my own “TRUST ISSHUES”. I mean I can’t possibly be as special as I imagine in this area can I? I can’t actually have been hurt so badly and suffered OH SO MUCH as to believe that my inability to trust is unique, Can I?
Don’t we all have trust issues? I mean who hasn’t trusted a friend to help them move, give them a ride, get them a cup of coffee, keep a confidence, or be honest with them about how they look; only to have them not follow through and do what the say? Not to mention those times we ALL realized our parents were fallible – they lied about a decision, cheated on their taxes, treated their spouse badly, or stole/borrowed office supplies – I mean the superman or wonder woman uniforms have to be turned in at SOME point. What about those moments when you were out in the world out there and encountered HORRIBLE people – some one tries to trip you on a bus, a group of girls points with condescending laughter, or a co-worker lies to you about what they did.
This doesn’t include the manipulative and deceiving dance that is dating/mating/game-playing – man tells ya he’s totally interested but won’t return your phone calls, woman says God doesn’t want her to date right now – but a week later she IS dating someone else, or someone says your amazing, cool, fantastic, hot looking, sweet, gonna make someone extremely happy one day only to drop you like a hot rock when you reciprocate an ounce of those feelings. Ooopss… Squirrel!!!
Who wouldn’t be a little messed up? eh? But I do not think I have cornered the market on these experiences. I know of many people who have shared with me stories about people saying one thing and then doing another. Someone who pledges their undying love one minute only to recant these same feelings within hours or days of their original FEEELINGS. There are many with abusive family histories whose children cannot trust authority because their parents were always a source of pain and chaos. People who put their ever waking moment into serving a church that in their darkest hour disowned them or decided to move on to a younger cooler leader.
So even though I am not the only one with these kinds of disappointments, I find myself entering more and more relationships (friendships, family like relationships, and romantic ones) with this cautious, unsure, disbelieving, ever-doubting, almost cynical approach. Instead of being excited about the possibilities, which, trust me, my heart and soul immediately want to jump head-first into the deep end of the pool in almost reckless abandon hoping that THIS relationship will be THE ONE. Not just the DATING one, but the Best Friend who will really care and really say what they mean. The mentoring woman figure who will really help me and be honest and love and accept me while telling me the truth. I long to be in relationships that matter, are real, will make me a better person, meet my need to belong, and fill the gap I have in my heart. But there is always this WAIT, BE CAREFUL, TIME WILL TELL, TEST IT voice that creeps up to the surface to keep me from actually DIVING into a relationship.
In a world where I know I am not unique in my distrust of people, I am continually asking myself do I trust too much or too little? Where is that line between gullible push over easy prey and cautious callous skeptic? Just one more example of my all or nothing thinking… but how does one find the middle?