I had one of THOSE types of nights – To Do or Not To Do… that is the eternal question. I should do this… I should do that… I made a list and I have all this time. I need to make dinner, I need to hang up laundry, I need to clean, I NEED to… The list goes on. So instead I decide I am going to load my pictures and read myself to sleep… well here I am at bed time and NO reading has occurred. Hmmmmm Some how I need to get better at the wanting to read thingy.
I have had similar weekends: I am already exhausted (too much mental over ANALYZING on a MAJOR MASSIVE life DECISION); so I am excitedly looking forward to the fact that I have NOTHING planned for Saturday… Yippeee Sleep til FOREVER, get up and do NOTHING… well that DO NOTHING feeling usually doesn’t last very long because my brain wakes up (with or without the blessed brown liquid from heaven – MMmMMmmm Coffee). And I am faced with the decision. Play, relax, work, clean, finish a project? Yes there is SUPPOSED to be an OR between those choices… but it all runs together.
There are those times when I can’t just simply decide. I mean ABOUT anything. A while ago on a Sunday night, I had returned home from a FABUOLOUSO weekend to realize at 4pm I was DEAD DOG exhausted. My body was done, my brain was mush, and my WANT TO was wandering else where. But some how some WAY there was still this inner nagging (I am sure it was a contribution from the You’re a lazy human being committee) that I needed to ACCOMPLISH, I needed to finish, I NEEDED to DO!!! Why is that?
Why can’t I just be satisfied with the things I have done, sit for a couple of hours in peace and pause and absorb some mindless episodes of SOMETHING without guilt or pressure to DO? So with my TO DO list in hand I laid in the recline position wondering if I could CONVINCE myself to do ANYTHING that night. I mean I had at least 5 hours why couldn’t I do at least SOMETHING?
What is that fine balance between Doing what needs Doing vs Resting in those times when you have reached your limit? I am discovering STRONGER and STRONGER in my every day life how much I limit myself to 2 choices. I have been accused more often than NOT (thanks Brent), I am an ALL or nothing thinker. My nature, upbringing, brokenness, dysfunction, mental default is not to believe there is a middle, balance, half way, almost, good enough, or just the way it has to be. Some how some WAY those middles feel like failure to me. Why does it seem that if I can’t do the BEST, the good, the right, the holy, the righteous COMPLETELY each and EVERY TIME I HAVE A CHOICE; then I must be Wrong, bad, sinful, stupid, unworthy, selfish, unloveable? How does someone begin to rewrite the tapes (that is the VHS cassettes for those youngins playing at home (thank you Karan)), or re burn the DVD of the mind’s eye or the brains pathways to accept something so foreign and so contrary to “nature”. Ok, yes I will concede that this IS nature/natural/normal according to Christina, but we are talking about MY brain here…. right?
This all or nothing thinking has been my normal operating procedure for well on past a few years ago (a lady doesn’t reveal her age – so I was told). So if there is still time left on the playing clock, I SHOULD fill it with things that NEED doing. I mean after all there is ALWAYS things to do, my first REAL job taught me if your leaning you should be cleaning. So there is no time in life for break, rest, recovery, or just plan Laziness (I mean sloth is a deadly sin right?) Learning to rest and relax and not feel guilty is still on the TO DO list of things to fix about me. YES the list is LONG. Maybe this one will just have to wait its turn. 🙂