I got Fighting Mad

In July I reached 1 year on medifast, but it did not bring joyful thoughts.  I had gained more weight in the last 3 weeks to put me back to December’s weight.  I even registered a POSITIVE percentage on the Biggest Loser competion at work.  UGH That can’t be good; but I had no control.  I had no power over my feelings and emotions.  I was under the influence of my desires with no way to make them behave and submit.  It was at that moment that I truly felt in my soul what it was like to be a victum.  Not of a violent crime, or an abusive partner; but a victum of life, depression, fate, satan, spirits, destiny, the world, other people YOU NAME it… I was the victum to it.  No power did I have over ANYTHING!!! No control did I possess.  I was helpless and hopeless with the worst possible side dish: Loneliness. 

Then it happened.  Some kind of stirring in my person, some sort of change which almost feels miraculous because it can not be explained.  But the desire was FIGHT, the method was ANGER, and the goal was VICTORY! I was not going to lay victum to life any more.  I was not going to ALLOW the things of this world real or imagined to have control over me.  I was not going to let this thing beat me.  I was not going to give in to the pressure that this was and I WAS doomed to failure.  I was going to fight EVER feeling of inadequacy and FIGHT back the cravings and FIGHT the emotions that told me I deserve it. 

I got angry at every THING (notice I didn’t say EVERYONE), ANGRY that fate would tell me what I would BE, ANGRY at any spirtitual forces that would try to steal this success from me, ANGRY in a way I saw displayed so clearly in one of the VERY FIRST episodes of the television show LOST… Don’t tell me what I can’t do!  John Locke wanting to go on an Australian walkabout from a wheelchair says this line in the 3rd episode and it becomes his battle cry for the rest of the series.  He is a man of faith who believes in what he does not see and presses forward with complete devotion to that belief.  But it is in those ANGRY words that I found hope.  It was in that message that I made my battle cry to EVERYTHING and ALL forces around me and surrounding me… that they were no longer going to have control or influence over what I did. 

And with each day that started on plan, the internal voice got louder and louder: NO you don’t need that.  NO that’s not healthy, NO you can’t just have a little, NO there is no room for cheating.  YES this is going to be hard.  YES there are things you cannot have RIGHT NOW.  But this is WORTH IT.  This is what you want.  This is going to provide you the strength you need.  You are GOING to finish what you started.  You are going to be successful.  You are going to OVER COME.  You will have victory over this thing called food.  You will be able to choose to have it or not.  You will be healthy.  You will look as HAPPY on the outside as you FEEL on the inside. 

This battle cry (because these were not spoken they were YELLED in my head at myself) needed to be echoed day after day hour after hour and moment after moment; until the desires to cheat or break plan would fade.  At times I would need to distract myself from the smell or visuals of food PERIOD.  I would eat sticks after sticks of celery and pickles just to keep the mouth occupied until the overwhelmingness subsided.  Fill my life with activity and distractions just to keep my mind from being idle. 

Each and every day in July I would fight.  I would get mad.  I would wage war on the mind.  I would make myself submit to the plan I had chosen.  And in that rage, stage, war I had battled the results?

I lost 22lbs from July 7 – July 21 that’s 14 days.  I can do this…

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2 thoughts on “I got Fighting Mad

  1. Roberta says:

    Way to go Christina! Persevero!!!

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