Some where in my past God blessed me with a friend who sparked me to defy him at every turn (not the first of his kind, but the most dramatic). Well maybe that was my own hurt and brokenness at the time… BUT needless to say he was a challenge. Married to an AMAZINGLY beautiful woman with 2 cuter than cute boys, I found myself asking God WHY would I go to him for dating advice? I mean he knows nothing about the current single scene and where to go to meet people…. But still the impression was there… ASK NICK. Insert rebellious Deep SIGH here… and I began my quest to even SEE if Nick still lived in the area.
Through an amazing 3 hours of conversation, Nick brought me some incredible insight into motivation, purpose, relationships and finally RISK. Or more specifically what would happen to me if I DID risk more. Nick challenged me to think bigger broader more risk more unbelievable more extraordinary… Then I went to see a new Counselor. Someone I wanted to push me and challenge me and help me get out there and DO SOMETHING. Unlike my current counselor who just tells me how amazing I am, loves on me, lets me talk forever, and seems to bless or approve ANY choice I make. So I wanted a challenger, one who would help me dig deeper into the things that were really REALLY holding me back.
So the new counselor tells me (and this is during session #2 mind you): that things are as the are, they suck, there’s not a lot of quality single men out there, the options are not worthwhile, she said SHE would never get married again, there are no groups of singles out there looking to spend quality time anymore… and the best part that what I am looking for does not exist because people are too busy to get together. She also threw in for good measure that I can make my own destiny, but use the current structure of things out there in the world to get connected to people. Specifically, looking at my hobbies and what I like to do and join some of those groups: beading, scrapbooking, bible studies, walking groups, etc.
Some how that seems boring to me. I know I shouldn’t judge, but it doesn’t inspire excitement and joy and a desire to GO OUT AND FIND!!! But there are moments when I can’t help but feel there is something greater for me than that. That there IS a community out there that will allow me to be me, that there are people still doing things and being real and caring about each other either in church or as Christians or SOMETHING.
I am constantly fighting between accepting the mediocre and striving for the extraordinary. The mediocre is what I can see, imagine, embrace, try, test, experiment; while the extraordinary seems to be a BIG idea, beyond what there is, extending to the unknown, involving the masses, and networking groups from far and wide. But why don’t I try that? Why don’t I start something, try something, connect one dot at a time… The answer was there before I wrote the sentence. I am afraid. I fear all the usual suspects: rejection, failure, humiliation, and unknown.
What if What if What if… seems to be the choir of my undoing. How do I begin the adventure into the great unknown when I fear even imagining what I could do or be? How do I begin if all the voices in the committee insist that I am not that special? Why would I be able to make something work that no one else has? What makes you think that you are more capable than all the others of making stuff happen? Why would people do what you want? Why would you be a draw? There is nothing special, unique, cool, exciting, loveable, attractive, extraordinary, special, likeable, enticing, sparkly, smart, hip, energetic about me that would inspire people to come together.
There seems to be this inspiration in me that I am supposed to “start” something or DO something with singles. I mean I have time, I have skills, I have the want to… but where do I start and what does that look like?