There are moments when something just connects with my heart. Its been a challenge over the last few months, trying to find balance between logic and emotion, between what is and what should be, between hope and despair… But in all this I have seemed to find a series of songs that have literally leaped out of the speakers of my car to speak my life into words. To take the emotions I am feeling and the words I can not imagine and put them to music that pierces a point into my soul. And when I travel for work it is exciting and new and different and I LOVE all those components. I have never wanted to do an 8-5 in cube land, but then there comes a time when my heart is just longing to go home. There are only so many times a person can pack and unpack their car without it affecting that sense of stability and routine. Personally, I HATE routine as a general rule… but I am realizing I need some of it for my mind to feel a sense of peace (maybe not a lot… but a little).
When I am in a place of chaos and upheaval, some of the most raw and deepest emotions CRASH (not float or rise, but CRASH) to the surface. I am then pushed to find resolution or some form of managing style just to function in my life. So when those feelings overwhelm me, there seems to be internal affairs team that goes straight work on my self-worth and performs an internal audit on my value as a person. Regardless of the victories I have had lately or how many people have said “I am amazing”, this team has ability to discount and discard all those things and go straight for the negative points.
Anyone ever been through an audit? It’s not about how well you are doing its about writing on a list all the ways you have “failed” meeting specific standards and conditions. There is a point by point evaluation by the strict unemotional adherence to the “rules”. As much as I have grown in encouraging myself and letting myself see me as God sees me – valuable, worthy, beautiful, precious; this audit team has the ability to remind me with LOUD voices I am not perfect – NOT EVEN kinda, or close or even much better than last time. I mean cuz when you miss things on an audit you don’t get kudos for the B-, it’s a simple Pass or FAIL!!!! No matter how much progress I’ve made, the audit team is never satisfied if they can continue to find imperfections, issues, and problems.
When this song came across my iPod in an almost accidental connection with my brain, at least enough to listen to the WORDS, I realized this needed to be my new fight song. This needed to be what I repeated in my mind and sang loud and proud to the audit team that wants to insist I am failing in all these areas STILL.
“What I’ve overcome”
I’ve got this passion, It’s something I can’t describe, It’s so electric, It’s like I’ve just come alive
I feel this freedom, Now that my past is erased, I feel the healing, I’ve found the meaning of grace
If only You come see me yesterday, Who I used to be before I change, You’d see a broken heart, You’d see the battle scars
I’m not what I have done
I’m what I’ve overcome
I know I stumble, I know I still face defeat, This second chance is, What will define me
So I’m moving forward, I’m standing on my two feet, I’ve got momentum, I’ve got someone saving me
I make mistakes and I might fall, But I won’t break, I’ve got someone saving me
Funny how words can’t explain, How good it finally feels to break the chains
I’m not what I have done
I’m what I’ve overcome.
There is just something about that phrase “I’m not what I have done, I’m what I’ve overcome” and in the light of so much these last few months, I am reminded that I have overcome A LOT of things in this life. My mother dying when I was 15, being torn away from the one community I loved and cherished, having to find my own way to pay for college, moving out on my own with no support no back up no home base. Struggled to find direction at church, work, life; Put myself through university and despite all my weaknesses and short comings finally graduated; fought to find a job, get an adult job, and work through my own emotional crap that seems never-ending and poisoning at times. And I still continue to decide I have to remember that I have battled a lot, overcome a lot, and survived a lot. So much of why this song seems to ring so true to me.
So in the most eloquent words of my best friend Heidi, the Audit team can… “SHUT IT!!!” (Insert funny sarcastic comic inflection here, for emphasis.)