When you have a life of chaos, you seem to strive everyday for stability and comfort. But what happens when you obtain those things even just a tiny piece of them. Some how the mind and heart still remains discontented. I was reading a friend’s blog the other day and realized how much meaning and satisfaction must come from serving in a foreign country. And immediately my mind surges to its defense, but its hot and exhausting and stressful and hard and the emotional stress and the fear of the unknown immediately floods to the forefront of my mind when I must resign to believe… I guess that’s something I could never do, but its great that “THEY” can sacrifice that much to serve.
But what if that is a fallacy? What if I really am stronger than I imagine… What if (as the quote says on my wall)… I am stronger than I ever thought I could be? What if this is true, but my anxiousness about the struggles of my past automatically dismiss ANY possibility of me giving or changing or sacrificing because it is TOO hard, TOO much work, TOO much to give, TOO unstable. I mean I have worked my whole life to create the kind of stability I have. I seem to have answered that DEEPEST call within me to survive and be stable; but I am still not content. I am not fulfilled I am not doing the work for the greater good. And I wonder if I will ever find the energy and GUMPTION to step out and do the things I want; or try some things that sound interesting.
I had that opportunity this week. A new friend invited me to play softball with their team for a fall season. I haven’t played in a LOOOOONG time, but have always wanted to play more. So this seems to be a PERFECT opportunity to do something I have been interested in. Only like a dozen points of anxiety erupt in my brain when I imagine it – I think the anxiety committee believes it is entitled to assemble WHENEVER I THINK about trying something out of the routine. What if I can’t hit anymore, what if I’m horrible, what if I look stupid, what if I make a mistake, what if I can’t throw like I need to, and then there is the SILLY thing of running the bases… I don’t like running in front of other people, what if its HUMILIATING? UGH!!!
All of these thoughts are raging to the forefront of my mind as I am trying to decide what to do. This new friend recommended I practice hitting at a batting cage to see if I would have any issues… health, body wise. Then I mentioned I had a knee issue and I wasn’t sure how that would respond. She mentioned she wears 2 braces on her knee while playing. So after kicking it around with my friend Brent and finding a set of batting cages 5 min from WORK… I went on an adventure last night to see if I still could hit. It was OK in the beginning, but I was thinking just ok isn’t gonna cut it… these people have been playing together for like 3-4 YEARS; so I dug deep and started messing with my stance, choking up, leaning out… it was good times. I ALWAYS do sooo much better experimenting with things when people are NOT watching me.
So I think I’m in… I want to practice running the bases, but gotta find a place to run where I won’t FEEL like I’m attracting any attention (mostly for my psyche). I am gonna try to get a couple of friends together and throw some softballs around, to get my arm back into some sort of shape, so I can at least throw TO the person. SO I’m totally excited… something NEW, something I have wanted to do for like FOREVER, and again ALL I HAVE TO DO IS SHOW UP – ok I’m doing all this work cuz I don’t want to look STUPID, but I don’t HAVE to. So much for stability and comfort eh? One teeny tiny step at a time… Or to quote an all to memorable movie:
Baby Steps, man… Baby Steps.