What made me think this would be easy?

In July 2010, I reached exactly the 1 year mark of being on Medifast. Now the fact that I am still on it and that I have a grand total of pounds lost from day one.  IS A VICTORY!  It is in FACT: progress, IMPROVEMENT, SUCCESS even.  It IS something good in my life.  It IS something I am DOING to change my life.  Yet, I feel like (see there are those feeling peeps that like to take my mind hostage) I have failed.  So many other people have met goal within a year, have kicked the habit, have been SUCCESSFUL.  They have worked into a transition phase, are into the exercise routine of  the program, or just plain have it WORKING for them.  And by July 2010 I did not. 

The STATS for one year after I started are these: 20.40% lost, at least 10 dress sizes (if you count 30/32 down to 18/20 ten sizes), smaller stomach, more energy, and a bounce in my step.  Okay some of those are not stats, but it is part of the transformation.  Now there is this competition at work and since Jan 8, 2010, that I have been participating in.  I have been on the roller coaster of loss gain for MONTHS, including: -10% back up to 1% GAINED.  UGH, UCKY, BLECK!  (Yeah that was July 7, 2010) I mean that is still -17% OVERALL (from July 2010), but I just felt like I had failed. 

Why is failure so easy to apply if others have succeed where I have not?  Why do I look outwardly for my measure of my success.  I mean look at those things ABOVE… if I would just stop COMPARING MYSELF TO THE SUPER STARS, I wouldn’t look so bad.  I would be MAKING progress, doing WELL, be proud, feel accomplished, and hold my head high because of the meer changes I had made to what seemed like a stagnant never going to grow life.  Yet there are rumblings in the back of the head that are contrary to this. 

I think the “You’re just not QUITE good enough” committee has assembled an emergency session.  Well you can’t feel accomplished look at what you didn’t do.  You think your all hot stuff and special, WELL if you were REALLY that way you would have lost ALL the weight as fast as everyone else in those before and after pictures.  If you were really in control you would not have EVER cheated and broken plan.  IF you were any good at this you would have figured out your obstacles and GOTTEN OVER IT ALREADY… Everybody else: doesn’t take this long, have these struggles, break the rules, can’t control their actions, make bad choices EVER… IT’S JUST YOU!!!

Okay BREAK… Ever wanted to just throw giant paint-filled water balloons into the middle of one of those FORMAL Senate style committee meetings?  Wonder who would run for the hills, who would just cry covered in paint, and who would pick up the little one that didn’t break and COME AFTER YOU WITH IT?  Some days these mind committees just need a little chaos to get them break up. 

Then I have to remind myself:  I am tackling the NUMBER ONE, MOST IMPACTING, DEEPEST INGRAINED Weakness I have. 

Side note: I have had a top 5 list of everything that’s wrong with me.  I mean since I went to my first counseling appointment back in 98 ish; this list was constructed.  And managing my weight, food, health, exercise <–this WHOLE BALL has been NUMERO UNO; TOP DOG; FIRST TAMALE; WORST THING IN MY LIFE; I think you’re getting the dramatic emphasis now. 🙂 

So what made me think this would be easy?  Why did I think I could just flip a switch and it would be taken care of and FIXED?  I could “JUST DO IT” and everything would change?  Why does my psyche buy into the lie of instant gratification or QUICK FIX or instant rice?  It’s just as important to me this year as it was last year.  I am just as passionate and dedicated as I was last year.  I am not seeing the INSTANT, easy, SMOOTH, simple results I did in the beginning, but my commitment matters JUST as much to me this year as last year. 

I mean let’s look at a little recent history.  (I KNOW I KNOW – History is not Destiny, but bear with me) It took me almost 2 years to get the Dave Ramsey stuff on track… (finance management was #2 on the list)  I mean 2 years of managing 2 paychecks a month.  Telling myself no, making mistakes, overspending, getting back in control, having my emergency fund act more like General Motors stock price than a nicely growing evergreen.  Its been stressful and emotional and trying and gut WRENCHING to apply those principles AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN.  When I fail or CHOOSE POORLY, do it again.  When I mess up the money or pick a bad roommate, DO IT AGAIN.  SO just in dealing with the #2 issue.  WHY OH WHY in Heaven’s name did I think… the food struggle be any easier? Of course there are moments I begin to think… Why are you trying to do both of these at the same time.  SILLY OVERACHIEVER!
So I just need to keep the water balloons of paint handy and keep an ear out for that silly committee’s sessions and BREAK IT UP with a firm healthy Randy Johnson style fast ball to the middle, allow me the deep Satisfaction of that well placed SPLAAT!!!


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