A Sanctus Real song has been passing over the air waves these days and it is such a precious sweet tune, but the words are quite the challenge to the ego and status quo of just walking through life. The message seems be this man’s outcry of his heart as husband, father, and christian to be the leader that God has called him to be. It sparked me to the typical Awwww feelings and I liked the melody. It sparked once again that futuristic thought… One day when I’m married with kids I want to have this view-point. I want to remember this so that I can make this song true. But then there was a moment today that one line caught my attention, near the end:
Cuz I can’t do this alone…
An almost gut wrenching feeling of I CAN’T DO THIS ALONE swept over me. This little statement seemed to cut to several layers of who I am with pain and loss. I never expected to be 38 and alone. Now this isn’t a completely depressed isolation that means I am without ANY people contact what so ever, but it is the feeling that I am responsible for me. No one else. My success and failures are in my hands; not my parents, not my family, not my children, not a husbands, not my friends, not my boss, not my church, not my counselor, not my co-workers, not my pastor… and there are days when the feeling that there is no one to help me carry this burden through life can been in a word OVERWHELMING. And even that word isn’t STRONG enough.
This weight of my life on my own shoulders it at times becomes heavy. Its the picture of the man pushing a boulder up a hill.. but I’m not 6’5″ tall with massive muscles and a clear direction to the finish line. I look to my left and right for examples and models; but the only thing I see are couples and groups of all ages and size, but TOGETHER they are conquering this feat. They may fight and squabble, cry, fall down, get lost, slide back, but without exception there is this support shared between them. And Heaven forbid I look at my reflection… and the comments start: Who do you think you are to do this? You can’t do what they can do. How are you suppose to manage all this by yourself? Its not fair, how can God expect you do this with No examples and no help? (maybe he wants me to be an example, I whisper to myself) YOU? HA YOU? Look at what you’ve done… Look at all mistakes you’ve made, bad choices, moments of rebellion, dysfunctional relationships, poison spreading where ever you go, do I need to even start on how you LOOK? You an EXAMPLE… HA! ha ha ha ha You couldn’t possibly be an example to ANYONE….EVER! Now my simple boulder carrying exercise seems to be an insurmountable challenge, ESPECIALLY ALONE.
Then this song comes along with not only the words that pierce the heart of pain, but with the next breath is the hope.
But I still feel alone…
So Father give me the strength to be everything I am called to be
Oh Father show me the way to lead them
Won’t you lead me…
….Lead me, cuz I can’t do this alone… Father lead me… cuz I can’t do this alone.
After my encounter on Saturday, (see yesterday’s post) I realized that despite everything I have done so far, it does not mean I have to continue alone. I can ask for his help, I can really honestly have him come along side me and I will not be nor will I feel alone. There are stories about God taking the burden from people, footsteps in the sand, and him performing miracles of releasing them from their state of misery. But this is not the message I am hearing nor feeling. This is telling me he is HERE… with me, HELPING me, advising me, coaching me, talking to me, encouraging me… but the work is mine. The path is still the same, the challenges do not change, the hurts and wounds remain, and I am still the person he has created me to be… but in this I am NOT ALONE. I do not need to abandon all the good things about me, I do not need to get married, have 2.5 kids, and be a leader to be everything I am called to be. And in this place where if seems I am the only carrying the burden by myself, it is MY PATH… and as long as I continue to ask him won’t you lead me I will be at peace, on track, satisfied, and special.
I am fascinated about the timing of certain things. Even though I am not reading in the Old Testament right now, my mind immediately responded to this passage:
“If your Presence does not go with us, do not send us up from here. How will anyone know that you are pleased with me and with your people unless you go with us? What else will distinguish me and your people from all the other people on the face of the earth?” Exodus 33:15-16
EXACTLY!!! Please Lord do not let me go alone. Please do not ask me to go places and do things without you, cuz I can’t do this alone.