Saturday I was driving to meet my father for lunch. It was meant as a confrontational conversation about how he had hurt me 2 years before. It was emotional hurt and on many levels it had more to do with him not respecting me than actual abuse. But as I was driving I started to get scared that I wasn’t going to be able to say what needed to be said. I was already mad at myself for whimping out and not bringing up the subject. At that moment, I remembered a friend of mine saying that maybe this wasn’t the TIME to bring it up. Maybe this was just supposed to be a reintroduction and then bring up the STUFF later. I was determined. I was CONFIDENT, if I put this off to another conversation it would get lost and I would NEVER bring it up and I would continue in this pattern of letting him hurt me and disrespect me. I had reached a point of ENOUGH is ENOUGH!!! But a little small still voice said,
“Whose will are you determined to serve today?”
I am going to do what’s RIGHT! What needs to be done! Put him in his place and tel him WHAT FORE!
“So that is what you want?”
YES!!! OF course that’s what I want.
“Is that right?”
OF course it is. I wouldn’t be doing it if it wasn’t right.
“Right according to whom?”
According to ME OF COURSE. I know what is right…
And there it was… the moment of Divine revelation. Whether I meant to or not I had made myself all-knowing all-seeing all-controlling all commanding god-like in this matter. Which quickly gave me pause and I realized that my ego had taken over. My trust in myself and in my knowledge of right and wrong because I have worked so hard to carry the weight of all my decisions on my own shoulders. Believing that I can only be successful if I take charge of my WHOLE life, and those people who dare to cross it.
Some where in the car I found myself crying and repenting and praying… Begging God to tell me what to do because honestly I don’t want to do things my way. I really and truly want to do things HIS way… There is just so much in life I do not trust: people, things, memories, words, myself, and life. In such a constant state of distrust I have no form of comfort, but my own abilities – though flawed, inconsistent, incomplete, and dysfunctional as they may be. I have learned to trust in only me. So here I am going a the most challenging confrontational meeting I have had in years and I’m begging for God’s guidance and presence and will. Even if it goes against my own will. As hard as it sounds, it was completely freeing and releasing and a true peace entered my heart that day. It brought back a memory someone shared with me. He said one thing I told him years ago… “If I need a job God will bring me a job.” In the simplest form of faith, I said something in confidence and belief that never left this friend. I do not remember it and these many years later did not think I ever had that kind of faith. But this day it returned to me for even just a moment. I was humbled and my ego submitted to only doing what God wanted. My words escape me, but it was an AMAZINGLY intimate touch from God into my life, in an exact and direct way. Something I need and want, but have been lacking.
I had a nice conversation with my father about all the usual stuff, leaving the confrontational pieces in the back of my mind. After appetizers, salad, lunch, and 4 hours I finally mustered up the courage to broach the subject. It was not the resolution I wanted, but it is closed. Even in that conversation did I realize I did not trust my earthly father. He has told me things over the years that I ignored, rebelled against, discounted, and just plain argued with. Most of it has been true or has come to pass, but I still don’t trust him. I do not believe in the words he says or the advice he gives. I want to honor him as a daughter, but I just cannot bring myself to rely on him or trust him – emotionally, spiritually, physically, financially, socially, etc. I do not feel anger or hurt at this any more, but it makes me wonder if this is how it will always be.
I must admit that it brings my heart an ounce of joy, just knowing that I starting to trust my heavenly father again, even if just for a moment, even if just this one situation. A girl’s gotta start somewhere, right?