The Committee

What is the Committee? It is something a friend of mine mentioned a while ago and it has kind of stuck.  It caused me to wonder what does my internal mental committee look like and sound like.  I have discovered it seems to be a series of voices in my head.  (I do not believe I am the only one who has them and I SHOULD NOT be locked away because I am acknowledging their existence.) 🙂 But these voices come from the various parts of my personality, childhood (tell me about your PROBLEMS), friendly submitted advice, superbly delivered sermons, talented talk shows, and the Negative nightly news. 
 
They seem to be the loudest when I reach of point of indecision.  This indecision could be as small as what to eat for dinner OR Should I pack up my WHOLE world and move to say NEW JERSEY or Sacramento.  Some of the voices bring out the TRAUMA of the past, others grab the yellow note pad and begin the cliché of the PRO and CON list, while others are just simply throwing things out there as if they were testing COOKED SPAGHETTI NOODLES (throwing them against the wall to see what STICKS).  And that DOES NOT even begin to cover the FEELINGS peeps in my head that feel like they take my WHOLE being HOSTAGE at the meer mention of something uncomfortable. 
 
At the moment I am the most together, I weigh these comments against what I KNOW to be the truth.  I discard the things that are ABSOLUTELY in error, while chewing on the pieces that are confusing, I attempt to DECIDE given those things.  Now when I’m making a small choice like what to eat for dinner, there doesn’t seem to be any pressure there for choosing POORLY (Yes I love Indiana Jones).  But for those moments of LIFE altering MONUMENTAL SIGNIFICANCE things get a little sketchy; and all the voices blur together and I can’t seem to separate out which is which. 
 
The other problem is I do not trust my committee so I am in constant battles with the choices in life I need to make.  This is why I am in desperate need to seek out other people’s opinions, why I don’t see an idea and JUMP at it because I want to, why I only do things that come from someone else.  Because there is so much in life to choose from and so much I get EXCITED about doing (YES THERE is a disadvantage to seeing the GOOD or POTENTIAL in EVERYTHING.) I get overwhelmed trying to sort out what is good FOR ME, what I SHOULD do, what I WANT even.  So as much as I would love to present an idea in my head for level-headed evaluation and let the committee come together to vote and decide, most days it does not occur that way for me.  In my mind, ideas come from the corners of my mind and flash this way and that; only to leave me with the wonders of where did that come from; is it real or imaginary; is it God or me? 
 
In a way the school gym dodge ball game springs to mind.  Not the game where you had just 2 balls in play; but that time in gym class where the teacher decided it would be fun to let 30 kids play with a dozen rubber balls.  If you weren’t paying attention you would get hit and out of the game, but because there were so many balls moving and passing and hitting and bouncing all at the same time, you couldn’t keep track of where they came from.  And I don’t know about you… but I don’t care WHO was doing the throwing… there was always a little sting you felt when you got hit.  Sometimes I believe it was more the emotional sting to the ego when I got nailed, but other times it was a genuine ferocious THWACK (that I knew wasn’t going to leave a bruise) it definitely left a mental mark.  This seems to be the times I struggle the most with the committee; I don’t like to feel a mental THWACK from inside my head; FROM MYSELF.  There are enough people out there in this world to do the THWACKING I shouldn’t be doing it to myself.  RIGHT?   

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One thought on “The Committee

  1. Absolutely correct.

    And…book material here.

    -P

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