I have been struggling with my emotions these days and why I seem to cling to ANY form of attention even if it is not the desired kind. But any attention is good attention, so my emotions seem to tell me. So I get emotional and dramatic and expressive about this TINY ounce of NEW attention I am receiving. So my friends have asked me why? What are you getting all worked up about if you know in your MIND (the place where my reason and logic reside) you know this is nothing SPECIAL? And somewhere along the road it escaped my mouth that I am BORED! Not the whiney Jr Higher version of I don’t know what to do with myself because it is everyone else’s responsiblity to ENTERTAIN ME, no this is the I am bored.
So I need to esplain… 2 years ago I began getting my finances in order by going through the Dave Ramsey Financial Peace University thing and it changed my life. It has been a battle and a fight to know what to do to get out of debt, put together a budget I can live with, and tell myself NO from time to time. I have to be direct with creditors but don’t let them bully me. My spreadsheets are linked together in a coordinated clear manner now because I have focus and direction. The Lum’s helped me get there by sitting down with me and letting me go through the mess piece by piece. Pride wise it was HORRIFYING and I was deeply humiliated by my mess… but the closet was cleaned out and I began a new. I am still 1.79 years (according to the spreadsheet) away from all the stupid debt being paid off leaving only the student loan. YEAH… but that leaves me in this tight budget, with only small mini vacation breaks, no investments, no buying a house, no projects of significant expense, all the extra goes to paying off debt. That is a responsible, slow piece by piece, day by day process. Boring.
About 13 months ago I started on Medifast, a food replacement program that taught me how to portion my meals and manage my food intake (more details on this another post). It has had its successes and failures similar to the money management. Now I am doing the program, fighting the bad decisions and learning to say NO to emotional eating and learn to live within boundaries of my program. Now that it is no longer FUN and I have settled into the routine of the program I am not feeling excited about the process. Again, BORING!
With the food choices has come the need to look at my emotions, since I am no longer using food as my emotional medicine I am feeling EVERY thing on the outside. There are extremes of joy, anger, and sadness what seems constantly. So I am reading books, asking God, seeking wise counsel, and trying to live in the here and now. This has its moments of fun and frustration… but again feels BOOOOOORING!!!
I mean these are major weak areas in my life… it is amazing and frustrating that it has taken me this long to FINALLY get the focus and the fortitude to tackle them. (Not to mention the support of some amazing people.) And I am seeing successes. I mean it is SLOW GOING (insert famous accent for movie quote here), but it is going. I AM making progress, I am having successes, I AM seeing change. There is a portion of my life that I feel changing at the core of my being… and that is TOTALLY exciting, at least so says everyone else. 🙂
And one of my dear friends said it perfectly… I’m bored because all of these things that began with groups of people joined together at the hip in unity and single purpose are now “DONE” or moved on to something else. I am doing this alone, I am on this journey to make these changes to me, for me, by me (and by God) in this seeming vacuum of relationships. My extroverted nature lends itself to be with people and people interactions, but in this stage I am in… I seem to be DOING this alone. So how does one break out of the isolation without abandoning the processes that are in place? How do I seek out my emotional need for gatherings of groups of people when my entire focus is on these other things?
It is with those suggestions I desire to pull myself out of the BORING pile I have found myself in.