I was on my making my rounds fulfilling commitments and craziness last night, when I arrived at that phase of the evening I call dinner. YIPPEEE for real food – even if it is LEAN and GREEN. (Yes I am doing Medifast, see explanation somewhere else.) So I have found this KILLER salad at Baja Fresh and that was my plan. Between the counseling appointment and my massage (I am so putting those back to back again), I am going with the intent of getting my salad. Steak and Shrimp Baja Ensalada, dressing on the side, NO tortilla strips. Then I debate… should I do the taco like last week?
Okay quick back up… I went for this same salad last week and there was SOMETHING about the taste of a taco that was CALLING my name. So once the thought starts, I can’t seem to shut it up and it begins to feel like the entire High School Cheering section… “TACO, TACO, TACO” So in that motherly peace making voice that I have gotten so use to using when the troops are restless. Ok, if it’s just ONE taco, meat and veggies, just a touch of cheese, no chips, no rice and beans nothing else… I mean what harm could it do? Now there is the entire MF community who will stand up with book in hand to EXPLAIN TO ME in no uncertain terms WHY this will do harm on the current program. But I decide to TAKE a risk on ONE taco. So when I get home with my salad and taco I dive into the taco first. MMmmm Heaven in 4 bites.. yes I made it last 4 WHOLE bites. Then I dived into my salad and could only BARELY get half way through; well now this is just silly. Seriously 1 taco and half a salad… I’m becoming a light weight… But I imagine that is the GOAL RIGHT? To be one of those girls who can’t finish her plate and only orders a side salad on a date and is completely contented while the man orders a full course steak and potato meal; then pushing himself away from the table in endorphin drunk state of “OH MAN that was AMAZING!” Oh sorry I got distracted. So the next morning I rushed to the bathroom scale to see the results of SAID TACO and I didn’t lose and I didn’t gain. Okay not bad, no catastrophic consequence for eating ONE TACO!
Okay return to yesterday and now I’m thinking ok… one more time… 1 taco and my salad. Today I lost 3 lbs so no drastic consequences to said taco… and I imagine I will be doing more of these balanced choices once I hit goal, but I can’t help feeling like I failed. I mean I was faced with a craving and a temptation and rather than just saying NO and keeping to plan I give in to my inner crowd screaming TACO, TACO, TACO. If I cannot control them on such a simple minor choice, how do I control them when I am Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired, and Bored and someone offers me a COSTCO CUPCAKE (now that is a funny story). I know everyone says it’s about balance and moderation; but what happens when I have already had fun, splurged, and experienced my excessive calories and this moment needs to be a NO moment? How do I control the cravings from making my decisions for me? How do I gain control of the emotions and feelings that seem to have the most power and control in my life these days? Whatever they want they get.
The other day I was having a pretty good week I felt (yes there are those feeling words again). When some how it went from a nice just a little break from the plan to another night bingeing on something when I was totally not hungry and I KNOW IT WAS ALL IN MY HEAD! I broke plan a smidge on Saturday with some Tuna wrapped in bacon marinated in Teriyaki sauce and pineapple juices… MMmmm YUMMIE! I only had a few pieces didn’t eat the pineapple and had a huge salad. I was completely FULL and satisfied. We went to the Tillamook County fair and I stayed away from all the nasty ucky food choices and for anyone who hasn’t been to a small town fair in a while THEY ARE EVERYWHERE. Not to mention I asked a lady for a SCOOP of ice and was told NO I would need to buy a $2.00 drink. SERIOUSLY??? Its ICE and they got a machine in the back cranking it out (sorry I digress.) That night I pack up the car and decide I want a couple more pieces, so I toss a couple in a ziplock and munch on the way home. WHY? Cuz I WANTED to. Sunday arrives seemingly uneventful and I run a few errands with a friend, driving w/ A/C, pedicure, coffee, talks… and now I’m thinking dinner; and I WANT SUSHI… She asks if I’m sure and I say yes… its one meal. Again thinking I can eat in moderation and not slide off plan. We have a nice dinner, I don’t go crazy but I don’t have a SMALLER amount either. We have a great conversation after dinner, talk about setting up some software stuff and I am now on my way home about 11:30pm. #1 WAAAAY past bedtime these days for a work night. #2 I now want Taco Bell… WHY? I don’t know… but again the crowd is screaming TACO BELL. Now some days I can tell them to SHUT IT!!! and it works; but other days I say logical things like: I don’t need it. I had a great dinner already, its 11:30pm for cryin out loud, and the like… Yet I am finding my car driving the direction that will FIND a Taco Bell.
I place my order for not a lot but not a little. The first bite is heavenly… just the right blend of all the flavors OH I love these I need to order these more often I’m so glad I got three… YUMMmm. Then somewhere between the first bite and the OH MY why did I eat the whole thing LAST BITE, it stops tasting good. I keep thinking the next bite will be better, that it must be that it isn’t the same flavor as the first taco; but SERIOUSLY the last 2 tacos even though my favorite flavors (that’s why I save them til last) didn’t taste at all like that first bite. But in the mindset I was in I kept eating; must finish. How much of my issue is a genuine craving for a food that is dripping with calories, carbs, fats, addictive substances and overall bad for me stuff? How much of it is driven my an emotional need for SOMETHING? How much of it is that all to elusive and hard to talk about spiritual influences that may or may not be involved in my day-to-day life?
Somewhere in my mind I think, I am looking for that repeat of the high of taking that bite that tasted – FELT so good. Deeper I believe there is a part of me that wants food to satisfy me. My logical brain knows that cannot be served by food; but there is another part of my brain that keeps trying. Somewhere I know there are patterns, habits, and routine that is in place that just kicks into autopilot on days I am frustrated or lost. So where is a girl to start? How to find the root and weed it out? Where do I go for counseling or wisdom to know when I’m spraying the weed but its only killing whats on top? Whose insight do I listen to that will give me actions that will have more lasting results than just hide the weed behind a pretty plant and you will never know its there?